


Think Too Much, Love Too Loud

by FiccinDylan



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: (mentions of) (i still kept it T), All-Knowing Deaton, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Baked Goods, Banter, Cancer, Claudia Stilinski Feels, Crack Treated Seriously, Derek Hale Loves Stiles Stilinski, Derek Leaves Beacon Hills, Derek Leaves The Pack, Emissary in Training Stiles Stilinski, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Love Confessions, Mates, Mutual Pining, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Oblivious, Reformed Canon, Sex Pollen, Sex Toys, Stiles Stilinski Loves Derek Hale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6351955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiccinDylan/pseuds/FiccinDylan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of pain, Derek has isolated his heart so it can’t get hurt anymore.  After disappointment and supposed betrayal, Stiles does the same to his brain.  </p><p>The two meet and try to come up with ways to get their boys back on the same page.</p><p>COMPLETE!</p><p>*please be sure to check out the tags updated throughout the work!*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Empty Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys! Here we go! 
> 
> So first, a little background, I was chatting with the LINE crew (hey y'all, hey!) and one of the peeps posted a link to this comic: http://theawkwardyeti.com/chapter/heart-and-brain-2/
> 
> My fave is one where Heart says "I love this song, play it until I hate music!" Though the one that really applies to me is gonna be this:
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> So of course because Sterek is everywhere and all things, we started talking about how Stiles is the heart and Derek is the brain. Then I started thinking.... _what if_?
> 
> Because Derek grew up in a big, loving family, it would follow that he had a big heart. And Stiles wasn't always so reckless, he was extremely smart and gifted analytically. What if circumstances in both of their lives led to them being perceived the way that they are?!
> 
> So I decided to write about it!
> 
> Now some of you may have noticed that it's been a while since I posted. I have a lot of personal ish going on and I had the world's most major block, so this might be a little rough. Please be gentle, lol!
> 
> The story is finished, I just have to make some edits and things which is why i'm posting it WIP style. There are 7 chapters and a short epilogue so I'm going to post about 1 - 2 chapters a day until it's all up.
> 
> Quick Disclaimers: I have no clue what I'm talking about so doctors and scientists, I'mma need that suspension of disbelief waaaaay up there. A lot of guessing and hopeful wishes brought this together and a very interesting Google search for "what happens to the brain during sex?". So you know... keep _that_ in mind. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy it and feel free to come and talk to me about it in the comments. It does start pretty angsty and hard, but it'll lighten up as we continue. I hope you enjoy!

**

* * *

**

It was faint, like a building echo, but he could hear the rapid beating of their heart as Stiles reached out their hand to clench at Derek’s shoulder. It’d been awhile since he’d been given this kind of access. Everything was fuzzy now, but he could feel his host’s human nails as they dug into the meat of the tensed muscle, trying to provide anchor for the man who’d once again lost everything. If he focused hard enough he could see through their eyes as Derek looked at his own hands, possibly in comparison to the blunt, steady pressure Stiles was giving.

He watched as Derek clenched his fists, allowing his claws to prick the calloused skin of his palms, drawing droplets of blood from quickly healing punctures. The blood dripped over his nails, mingling with the already drying blood there. The blood of his beta, his last beta.

Boyd’s blood.

He whirred as Stiles looked around quickly, not without patience, just to give his body something to do, a way to move, a way to keep from thinking and overanalyzing the situation. A way to keep _him_ from being used. He tried to take advantage of this small pocket of freedom. He catalogued the scent in the room for his memories, but it seemed to only agitate Stiles. That’s when it dawned on him that this was the scent of Boyd. And Boyd was gone now. Shit, he’d messed up again. And he knew intimately that if he could identify the smell, Derek’s senses must be on overload, and it appeared to be so with the way that Derek’s body shuddered with grief.

“ _Derek_.” He heard someone say distantly... he, he wasn’t entirely sure. The easy money was on Stiles, but he didn’t really sense feeding it to the boy which means it probably came through his heart. Stiles didn’t have much use for him outside of perfunctory tasks and that made his reach to Derek tenuous at best.

The word was said though, and Derek reacted to it strongly. He -not unkindly- shrugged Stiles’ hand from his shoulder and stood up in one fluid motion. Stalking through the water in his flooded loft, he made his way to the plaque on the wall next to the door that held his keys. Stopping only to spare Stiles a glance over his shoulder, he grabbed one of the rings and looped it around his finger.

“Tell Scott I’m taking Cora and we’re leaving.” He said, far too simply, before slipping out of the door and out of Stiles’ life.

He was gone for four years.

Stiles took it hard, he noticed. The boy always did. Nowadays, he lived purely on the adrenaline of emotion and sentiment, sparing no thought to self preservation, or desiring the comfort of analytical reasoning and thought. That night Stiles wracked their body with sadness as they lay in bed. He wanted to comfort the boy. Give him solid facts that none of this was his fault, show him calculated methodology that pointed to the many ways they could fix the situation. Ways that they could get Derek back. He even tried to release serotonin to settle their heart so they could at least rest, but Stiles had dismissed him so long ago, there was only the faintest of connection. .

All he could do is helplessly observe as his host slowly tore them farther apart.

***

It started when the boy was eight years old. Prior to that Stiles and he had gotten along swimmingly. Together they studied music and art and by seven, Stiles was already reading at a 5th grade level. The teachers wanted to move him ahead a couple of grades, but the sheriff was hesitant; he didn’t want Stiles to feel left out. He’d only just met another boy he’d already declared to be his best friend forever and moving Stiles would mean they would have less time to hang with each other. Claudia had been sick lately and they depended on the boy’s mother - a nurse named Melissa - to look after Stiles while John was on shift and Claudia was suddenly ill.

Claudia and John decided to keep Stiles in his current class which he was more than fine with. It meant being at the top of his class and his teachers arranged for plenty of extra credit to keep his burgeoning mind busy. Stiles used him frequently, pouring over hypothesis to help understand the world around him and as Stiles’ brain, he was just as happy to be pushed to his full limit and potential. Everyday he and Stiles would learn something new and run home to share with mom and dad, eventually leading to experiments or projects that helped him use his newfound knowledge.

Until one day Stiles went home and no one was there. He knew his dad was at work, but his mom was nowhere to be seen. There was only a note on the fridge to go home with Scott, and Melissa would be back as soon as possible to check on him. Stiles went to Scott’s and waited patiently, though not without trepidation. The boy’s heart warned him to be wary, letting him know that this was just unusual enough for all to not be well.

Stiles’ brain though, he’d tried to reassure him. There was nothing different about today, nothing that signified that there was anything to be worried about. If something was wrong they would have gotten him directly from school, he surmised. Stiles nodded in agreement and went back to concentrating on the game he was aimlessly beating Scott at as he tried to block out the worry his heightened heartbeat signified.

When Melissa came in the door she told Stiles to grab his jacket and get in the car. Scott was to stay home and obey the emergency instructions she’d put in place for the small amount of time he had to be by himself. Scott nodded obediently and gave Stiles a wink as he was ushered out to Melissa’s car. On the way to the hospital, Melissa spoke to him frankly.

“Stiles, you know how your mom has been getting sick a lot more lately?” She started with one hand on his forearm and another on the wheel. Stiles nodded as Melissa continued.

“Well, sweetie, she got some tests done and it turns out she’s a little bit sicker than we originally thought.” Melissa squeezed his arm briefly before removing it turn a corner. Stiles tried to think about the different things she could be sick with. He hadn’t ever really needed to research being sick before so he didn’t have a lot of information stored. Lack of information lead to worry and his heart thudded loudly, seemingly even perceptible to Melissa who looked back over and placed her hand on Stiles’ forehead.

“Oh, honey! I’m so sorry, and the only reason I’m telling you this is because I know you’re such an analytical guy and I don’t want you to be worried in silence. Your dad is going to tell you more and we’ll be there soon, but if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.”

“What is it?” Stiles rasped out, his dry throat clicking over the words. His large brown eyes began to tear up as Melissa exhaled.

“It’s better if you wait to talk to your dad about that, honey. We’re here now. I’ll take you to him and he’ll explain it to you, okay? And I’ll be there to help.” Melissa assured him as she turned into the hospital parking lot. Stiles nodded as Melissa took him by the hand, guiding him inside to the sheriff who was speaking with a doctor. John stared at Stiles and grimaced before quickly schooling his features.

“Hey kiddo, let’s talk.”

Cancer. The kind that sits dormant until it finds a way into your spinal chord, then your brain. The kind that takes you out from the inside. The kind that she was way too young to get and _yet_. The kind that kills.

Stiles, already feeling slightly betrayed by his brain for not understanding, allowed his heart to filter in bits and pieces of what his father was telling him.

“ _Highly resistant to traditional treatment..._ ”

“ _Radiation may be too dangerous…”_

“ _Chemo will poison too much good to try….”_

“ _Surgery is risky…_ ”

“ _Months to live…_ ”

The last sentence was the one his young brain clung to. _Months to live_ meant _Months to research_. Months was _forever_ , it was plenty of time to figure out what their mom had and how to cure it. Dad looked sullen but Stiles was hopeful and asked if he could go to the library. John was surprised, but looked at Melissa who nodded and wrote down the name of the cancer Stiles’ mother had. Stiles studied the paper and walked back into the hall as Melissa wrapped up with John. As Stiles tried to pronounce the word Melissa wrote down, his brain tuned in snippets of their conversation.

“You know it’s his way, he’s gotta find out everything about something before he can understand it.”

“I don’t know, Mel. Is this denial? Isn’t he just going to upset himself?”

“I don’t know, but how else is he gonna deal with this? It’s just the library, if it becomes more I guess we can deal with it then?” Melissa reached out and squeezed John’s shoulder as he looked after Stiles, still concerned, but nodding. Melissa took Stiles to the library where he spent time on the computers and in the stacks trying to understand non-sensical term after term in an effort to stall what was happening in his mother’s body. If he could understand he could figure out how to make her better. How to turn those few months into forever.

His brain was strong and willing and able and tried to store and process as much information as Stiles gave him. It was too much, they were only 8 and their mother was getting sicker. When Stiles wasn’t at school, he was in the library or his room. He asked his dad to buy them different roots and medicines. He made their mom a myriad of teas that she hated the taste of but drank for him.

She got worse.

Stiles pushed them, harder and harder as they tried to learn more, ingest more words and concepts that he had no idea how to process. He didn’t understand why chemotherapy worked sometimes and not others. He didn’t understand radiation outside of the burning sores it left on his mother. He didn’t understand cancer outside of the locks of hair that littered his mother’s floor, or the sunkenness of her eyes. And because he couldn’t understand it, he couldn’t _fix_ it.

He would push them until his brain had to force them to rest, and even as Stiles fell asleep resentfully, his mind knew that Stiles had started to withdraw. Instead of daily facts and experiments, Stiles would turn to his heart and run off his excess energy or fill his time with mindless tasks like video games and bad movies with Scott. He’d sit in his mom’s room in the hospital and just look out the window, not thinking of anything, just watching as his mother spoke in the background.

_“Follow your heart, my love. You think too loud, you’re losing this time. Remember the way you feel, my darling. Feelings, they last longer. You’ll forget the details of days like these, I hope you do, but I hope you remember the way it feels. Feelings never go away.”_

She didn’t know it at the time, but Claudia planted a seed in her baby boy. He’d made the decision to accept his fate, his defeat. He couldn’t save her, so he switched off his brain. It’d betrayed him and now he didn’t see a use for it. He was still smart, he couldn’t help his curiosity, but he was quick to never concede control of his emotions to his brain again. He wouldn’t try to think his way through tough situations, his brain couldn’t be trusted, but his heart? His heart knew and understood him. His heart would be truthful, would tell him what he was feeling and Stiles could act from that.

And so he did. Especially after his best friend was bitten by a rogue alpha and became a werewolf. Stiles left the research and analyzing to their other supernaturally inclined friend, Lydia and he helped Scott by jumping headfirst into every supernatural situation Beacon Hills was suddenly calling forth. He was impulsive and heedless, but he didn’t mind. Outside of a few bruises, he was ruthlessly efficient and quickly became someone the pack could depend on for his quick action and loyalty.

His mind is still observant. He doesn’t communicate with the rest of him outside of obeying the rote commands to send signals to relay to other parts of the body. The brain side of him is completely functional, but the mind side, the part the processes new information, would be nearly dormant if not for Stiles’ inherent rebellious nature. Sometimes he’s slip up and allow his mind to store and process new information, even if it’s just before pretending to discard it and jumping into whatever danger his heart directs him into.

So his brain observes, and takes notes for the few times Stiles caves and accesses him to try and solve something before shutting him out again. He’s quiet about it. He hides behind Lydia and keeps his head down when he hears her say something incorrectly that he fixes later behind the scenes. He makes a show of taking medicine to slow his mind down. The less that’s expected from him intellectually, the less he’ll have to rely on his mind and that’s the way he likes it.

It works mostly until he’s 16 and sees Derek Hale for the first time. This other werewolf, clearly pained, yelling at him and Scott for being on his private property. He’s stoic by nature, hardened on the outside though Stiles and his brain can both see the wave of emotion pouring from the wolf. It’s bidden though, restrained and nearly imprisoned though it’s easy to see the wolf is nearly choking on it.

Stiles likes him immediately. Sees that the wolf feels big and loud and thinks that maybe this wolf’s strength will only inform his own restlessness. He’s right, but also wrong. This wolf has his own story, one that makes him volatile and more prone to pushing Stiles away when Stiles feels they should be working together.

They fight alongside each other for the next two years and something between them builds. It’s not tension exactly, something more bonding and absolute, but also something that neither one can get a good handle on and Stiles won’t even give his mind the chance to attend to. So they dance around each other; Stiles trying to appeal to Derek’s emotional nature and Derek trying desperately to get Stiles to use his fucking brain for once. They’re amenable, but show affection only through the saving of the other. They’re not friends, but they can’t seem to evade each other’s space, physically nor emotionally.

And just when it seems likes there’s a breakthrough -unfortunately at the loss of Derek’s beta, Boyd- Derek withdraws fully, leaving for four infuriating years.

Stiles goes to college and finishes his freshman and sophomore years before he comes back to Beacon Hills on break. Upon his return he learns Derek is also back. Scott is the alpha of Beacon Hills now and tries to run everything the same as he had before. Stiles tries to fit in where helpful, but though all the players are there, the game has changed and everyone knows it.

* * *

 


	2. Broken Vessel

**

Derek Hale has always had a big heart. Even as a child Derek’s heart knew it was two sizes too big to make up for all the work the young boy would put him through. He had a large family and emotion ran through their household like a constantly open set of arms. Derek loved his parents, he loved his sisters (even if sometimes they did drive him crazy), he loved his aunts and uncles and even his friends at school. He was a happy child, content to be quiet and let the loudness of the world around him envelop him and delight his senses. He loved sports, and animals and nature. He loved running and when he learned how to shift the first time since birth he loved that too.

The only downside to loving so aggressively is that when Derek got hurt he could also feel those emotions acutely. He didn’t like that too much. He didn’t like dealing with the pain of loss when his grandmother became one with nature. But he also knew that the pain would just be temporary, because he’d always have someone who loved him to comfort him through his sadness. He didn’t think about the bad times much, just allowed his heart to lead him through until he could see the sunshine at the end of the tunnel which he knew would always be there.

Thankfully the moments of emotional upheaval were few and far between. Derek was an all American athlete and well liked by his peers. He was known for being open and approachable and for having a big, caring heart. Derek took his designation seriously and constantly welcomed new people even when his mind cautioned him against being so open with others. But Derek trusted the tenacity of his heart and ignored his mind, figuring the outcome would always justify the means.

He meets a girl named Paige. She’s lovely and sweet and too pure for this world. He messes up, gives his heart the power to convince him of an outcome that logically doesn’t make sense. It’s the first time his heart and his mind fight and though his heart eventually wins out and agrees to allowing the girl to be bitten without her knowledge; it’s a shallow victory. She rejects the bite, forcing him to put her out of her misery, and his eyes change color as he learns the ever existent sting of guilt.

He’s hurt, his heart cracks, but it’s still together His mother reassures him, his uncle comforts him, he’ll be okay. He’s still got a support system. His heart convinces him to love bigger in order to fill in the holes left by Paige. His brain disagrees, convincing Derek he needs more time to heal, but the heart is persistent and Derek is still trusting. He meets Kate. Kate is damaged and ugly with pain. Derek thinks if he can help her, _love_ her, then maybe he’ll start to make up for what happened with Paige, maybe it will be enough. He falls quickly, allowing Kate entrance in places where she shouldn’t have been, both emotionally and physically. He gives her his virginity, his trust and his heart. She crushes all three.

She steals everything in a cloud of smoke and a ring of mountain ash. Derek watches helplessly as his family becomes fuel for a devastating fire. He… he still has Laura, who steals him away and they head to New York for distance. And yeah, he shuts his heart down a little, closes himself off in the name of self preservation, but he has Laura and later on they learn that they might have Uncle Peter. Derek has grief and loss and pain, but he now has a little more hope.

Laura goes back to Beacon Hills to check on the rumors about Peter.

She doesn’t come back.

Derek goes to Beacon Hills to investigate and finds his sister’s body cut in half and buried in mountain ash. He gets arrested on suspicion of her murder and learns his uncle is in a coma. There is another werewolf in town, a young kid who goes to the local high school. He and his friend have taken it upon themselves to be the new protectors of Beacon Hills. Derek… doesn’t have time to deal with that. He finds out his uncle killed his sister and was an alpha. Derek kills him, which is something his heart would never allow, but slowly he’s giving over to his mind which is ruthlessly consumed with rage. It takes the place of love as the thing that allows him to keep going, as the thing that anchors him. Killing Peter means being able to lead his own pack, rebuilding the Hale name and status in the area.

The kids come back in the picture, trying to interfere, questioning him about his motives. These kids - Scott, the werewolf and Stiles, the human - have decided they want to protect Beacon Hills? Derek estimates that’s a job for a Hale and decides that Scott would be best under his tutelage. He’s lost a lot, nearly everything, but there’s still a smattering of hope that his heart clings on to even amidst the constant anger and coldness of his mind.

Things happen. He gets his betas and it’s hard. Scott is resistant to submit and Stiles is naturally obstinate though overall he’s Derek’s best link to Scott. He’s wild and acts recklessly, but Derek can see how calculating he is even though he’s trying to hide it for some unknown reason. Derek can rely on him, the boy is loyal to a fault, but there’s a wall in place that Derek’s not quite sure of how to navigate.

His betas are another thing entirely. He’d chosen them because each needed the gift of lycanthropy for different reasons. Erica suffered from epilepsy and her wolf sorted that disease right out. Isaac needed the confidence to deal with his abusive family situation and Boyd needed a pack. Boyd was clearly the most stable and Derek relied on him as a second. Derek’s mind cautioned him again Jackson as a choice, even his heart could see that the boy was troubled and needed his help. Derek finally relented to Jackson’s pleas, and ended up siring a killer. He watched as the kanima inside the teen wreaked havoc on their town.

It’s then that Derek starts to realize that maybe his heart isn’t the best guide for his life. When he was young and carefree he could afford to be frivolous with his emotion, but circumstances have changed. He’s sure it’s not all of his heart’s fault, but there’s something about leaving himself so open and vulnerable that when his heart does get stomped on -and it will- it never seems to recover as well as it did the last time. When Jackson does finally become a full werewolf, Derek is happy, but it doesn’t do much to salve all the loss it took to get there. He closes himself off more and more and the effects are noticeable. He’s gruff, just on this side of callous. They’re almost working. He thinks he’s almost found a happy medium.

A pack of alphas comes into the area and while they bring more death, they also bring a sister of his whom they didn’t realize was out of town visiting relatives when the fire happened. She was never sent back to Beacon Hills and assumed everyone died in the fire. It wasn’t until she heard rumors of the pack building in Beacon Hills that she traveled with the alpha pack to see for herself.

The young man she met was leaps and bounds from the brother she knew growing up, but there was still a sliver of open hearted Derek that she would always recognize. Derek’s heart was grateful for the recognition as it allowed Derek to cede more access and control to the ignored organ. Derek allowed his heart to embrace their betas and his sister and was on the way to becoming amenable with Scott’s pack (he was now an alpha himself) until the alpha pack went too far. Erica was killed, Isaac left and Derek was forced to take the life of his most loyal beta.

Derek’s heart knows the moment intimately. Remembers the second the light left completely from Boyd’s eyes, understood the way in that moment they matched Derek’s. It was the same moment everything went cold and dark for him, and he was completely cut off. He was sure it was for his own good, to protect him from dying out altogether, but it still hurt. Derek _had_ to allow himself to love, and to feel, his heart was sure of that! He had to express his emotion to those he cared about even though the number got smaller and smaller. It was probably more important with the decreased numbers! Derek’s heart cried out to Derek to reconsider, but Derek’s mind was made up. He couldn’t afford to feel anymore, to give into emotion. He would block himself off and he would leave. He took Cora and moved to South America, staying there for four years.

Derek’s heart isn’t exactly sure why Derek returned. He wondered if even in his isolation he had any sway? He yearned for home constantly, beating in Derek’s chest restlessly like a call to reconnect to the pull of the Hale land. There was something else there calling him back, someone, really. Someone he never got a chance to explore amidst the chaos. Someone that spoke to him outside of the constant tete a tete with Scott. Derek’s heart knew it would pump faster around Stiles, but Derek’s mind would interpret the fluttering as frustration and palpitations as aggravation. It made Derek wonder if he was getting his own emotions wrong?

He liked the boy. He reminded of him of Derek when he was that age. So wild and open and willing to love as loudly as possible. There was a mania to it, Derek’s heart wondered if there was a severed connection on the boy’s insides too, but anytime he tried to convince Derek to explore the connection Derek would shut him off.

Derek’s heart thought it was pretty clear that Derek was in love with the boy, but Derek’s brain would process it into denial, annoyance or even guilt since the boy was young. To Derek’s heart, the boy was just as rebellious. He could always hear Stiles’ own heart screaming in that distracting way he did, but every now and again he catch a glimpse into the boy’s mind. It was intriguing, seeing him present a fact or tweak an idea that Lydia had before quickly sinking back into soldier mode. It was always slight and everyone else seemed to miss it, but Derek’s heart, and by extension Derek, never did.

At least when they were communicating. Now that he was blocked off, Derek went back to his oblivious self. He did return to Beacon Hills, but he stared at Stiles like he was a stranger. It was the only way to make sure he didn’t give his heart any access to the situation. So Derek’s heart observes, and watches as his host shuts himself off from the world that needs him.

* * *


	3. Home is Where the Heart Is

**

“Beacon Hills is our home, you guys. And for the past few years, it’s been us that have protected it from supernatural threat. I’m your alpha, and I’m proud to be it, but I’d be nothing without you all.” Scott addresses the group as they congregate at Derek’s loft. Derek has just returned and Stiles is in town on break before his junior year starts. Lydia, Jackson and Isaac are still present and it appears they’ve gained a kitsune. Derek knows of her leash through an old family connection and is pleased with the addition. He looks forward to helping her control her power and is grateful that his knowledge will give him a place in the pack.

Scott, of course, had already guaranteed Derek a place, but it was nice to be needed and useful again. His former betas treated him with respect and the new members treated him as Scott’s second.

“Well, third actually, or like, _co_ -second. You know, right next to Stiles!” Scott insists when Derek speaks to him about it. Derek’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. He isn’t jealous or offended, just curious.

He understands completely the bond that Scott and Stiles have and Derek has grown beyond pretending to be ignorant of the boy’s - well, _young man’s_ \- usefulness. But Derek also knows that Stiles went through some things while Derek was away. Things like meeting a coyote trickster that he’d “saved” from the woods, only to be manipulated by her trickster side into letting his guard down and allowing himself to be fully possessed by a demon fox spirit called the Nogitsune. The trickster was killed and the Nogitsune banished, but the effects reportedly still reared their ugly heads, especially in regards to Stiles’ temper and stubbornness.

Upon his return, Derek notices that Stiles is foolhardy and acts without thought to consequence. He’s still loyal, but it’s nearly to a fault, he’s impetuous and seems as though his position needed to be as a trainee, and not the second of an already ragtag pack.

“Yeah, he’s studying just a few hours away!” Scott explains. “He’ll back just about every weekend, every break and the summer. He’s got a big heart, man, he’s truly dedicated.”

Derek sighs in deference. He knew the dangers of having a big heart which is why he cut his off before it got damaged and stopped entirely. He agrees to Scott’s decision, but worries for Stiles and the shenanigans his antics would ensure.

It turns out that Derek’s suspicions are completely founded, to an almost alarming degree. As Beacon Hills lives up to its moniker and attracts more and more supernatural villains, Stiles Stilinski jumps in, taking them all on head first - with a _bat_.

During one such incident, they’re fighting a chimera and Stiles nearly gets his arm ripped off. Derek ran the boy back to his loft and treated the deep gashes on Stiles’ bicep as the rest of the pack fought off the winged beasts. Isaac clawed one’s eye out and Scott tore the head off another. Allison riddled another with arrows and all Derek could do was watch as he tended to Stiles. He should have been out there fighting, but instead the only action he’s getting is wrestling Stiles down so he doesn’t aggravate his petty wounds.

“Derek, I’m fine!” Stiles wriggled under Derek’s hold, “C’mon, let me get back out there. I have mountain ash and this bat is made of rowan, it’s fine! I got this!” He insisted. Derek didn’t even bother responding to Stiles’ pleas, and instead continued wrapping the boy in bandages. Stiles huffed and finally gave in, watching pitifully as his pack members defeat another foe.

The next day Stiles went back to school and though he came back every other weekend, Derek doesn’t see him for over a month. It’s not that he’s openly avoiding him, it’s just that he’s become extremely busy. In that time, Derek establishes himself as a capable trainer and a formidable ally. He works hard and plans maneuvers for their offensive to keep the peace in Beacon County.

He’s made progress and can feel the pack gelling until Stiles comes back and a freak flood brings a fleet of sirens into the Beacon Hills metro.

“I’ll be the bait!” Stiles offers over the radio. He’d just arrived to the city when the call came in about two drowned male bodies near the grocery story where the flooding was particularly bad. The whole pack was racing towards the area in their respective modes of transportation. Isaac and Kira rode with Derek while Lydia had picked up Scott and Allison. They were all talking together through a wireless system Danny devised for them before he’d left town for school.

“They’ll start singing and I’ll pretend to be sucked in and then you guys can swoop in and kill them!” Stiles continues. They could all hear the screech of the tires on the turn he was making, but Derek is the only one who seems to wince.

“Stiles, _no_!” Derek yells, “Just get to the rendezvous point and don’t do anything until we get there!” Despite the activity, everyone became so quiet they could hear Stiles’ frustrated sigh clearly.

“You know, Hale, for _never_ being able to provide an on the spot solution, you love shooting down every action I take.”

“That’s because you don’t use your head, Stiles!” Derek defends, “We wouldn’t need on the spot action if we plan well enough in advance. Which we _have_! What happens if you get too close and that thing actually manages to pull you in? The song alone, once embedded, is enough to drive you crazy, did you even know that?!”

“Of course I- _I’m_ aware that there could be consequences, _Derek_.” Stiles covers quickly. Again, no one mentions the slip and Derek almost wonders if he’d misheard. “But it’s worth a little craziness if it means saving lives.”

“It’s not a _little_ \- dammit, Stiles, do you even know what you’re saying?!” Derek seethes as he pulls towards the meeting place. He sees that Stiles is already out of his car, bat in hand, gazing in wonder at the out of place typhoon in the middle of the city. The sirens float in circles around each other, waiting for their next prey to come forward. “Stiles, listen, they are vengeful beasts who will not hesitate to kill you in the most gory- _fuck_!” Derek curses as he realizes that even if Stiles could hear him, he clearly wasn’t listening.

Derek gets out of his car and looks to Scott who is staring between him and Stiles as Stiles inches closer to the sirens. Scott nods at Derek.

“Operation _X_ , stay anchored and flee if necessary!” Derek yells out and the pack disperses. Allison shoots arrows laced with poison hitting one of the sirens with deadly accuracy. Scott, Lydia and Kira all set to surround the rest to finish off the job while Jackson and Isaac flank them in case muscle is needed. Derek should have been flanking Scott, but instead he’s holding Stiles back, as the young man curses his very existence.

“Fuck you, Derek Hale! Fucking _fuck_ you! I’m not some dumb kid anymore, I’m-” Stiles continues to seethe while Derek pushes him back into his Jeep.

“Go to the loft, Stiles, we’ll come when this is done.” Derek holds Stiles violent gaze until the young man finally capitulates, roughly turning over the engine and driving away angrily. When he’s out of sight, Derek peers back towards the fight before shifting into his beta form and darting forward.

They killed every siren and limped back to the loft, weary and despondent despite their victory. The mood already inside the loft was no less tense. The second they walk in, Stiles begins rambling as he pokes defiantly at Derek’s chest.

“They’re heartbroken, right? The sirens? I could have chatted them up a bit, we would have been old friends right up until the moment I tore her throat out with the barbs on my bat if only you’d just _trusted_ me!” He yells, flailing his arms in frustration, “Instead you waste valuable time trying to send me away because you didn’t like my plan? What the actual _fuck_ , Derek!”

“I don’t.” Derek says as he pushes his way into the room, collapsing on an easy chair. The pack cautiously take their places on various couches and loveseats as they watch the volley in front of them. Scott hovers warily in between them as Stiles seethes.

“You don’t what?! Derek, what are you even talking a-”

“Trust you.” Derek says with finality. It was out there and the whole pack bears witness as Stiles turns bright red with anger.

“You son of a _bitch_.” Stiles spits out taking a predatory step towards the wolf. Derek just rolls his eyes.

“Okay, that’s enough!” Scott steps forward placing his palm out to Stiles as he silently begs him to back down. Derek could see Stiles try, but fail.

“No! I’m sorry, Scott buddy, but after everything I’ve done for this pack, _he_ doesn’t fucking trust _me_?! After the countless times _I’ve_ fucking saved-”

“What have you done except be a liability, Stiles?” Derek challenges.

“Hey, Derek, you’re out of line, bro!” Scott warns as he holds Stiles back from charging the wolf.

“Maybe you would know if you were actually ever here, you dick!” Stiles breaks out of Scott’s grasp, but stays where he is. Derek’s eyes widen as he looks at the human incredulously.

“Stiles, you go to school hours away! You’re barely ever here, I fucking live here and I train the others to take care of themselves. Training that even if you had it, you could never get past your own damned stubbornness to utilize in your planning which is fucking nonexistent!”

“I’m not talking about now, you piece of shit, I’m talking about those four years you just up and disappeared! Because while I may be impulsive, at least I’m dependable and I don’t run the second things get hard!” Stiles roared at Derek, the fire in his eyes dancing like a stoked flame goading the wolf into reaction. He never gets the chance as Scott silences them both with blood red alpha eyes.

“Both of you, enough! Derek, let’s meet in the office. Stiles, fucking take a lap. Isaac get him some water or something and hold this down until I come back.” Everyone springs into action as Derek lugs himself from his chair and walks into his office down the hall knowing Scott isn’t too far behind.

He finds it more than a little difficult to come up with an explanation for Scott as to why he’d sidelined Stiles; he tells himself it was mostly due to the fact that he still doesn’t fully understand why Stiles was there in the first place. The reality of the situation is closer to the idea of what would happen to the pack if Stiles got hurt or incapacitated. And more pointedly, what would happen to Derek.

“Derek, I don’t know what the hell that was all about, but you and Stiles need to fix this!” Scott says immediately as he walks into the office. “You two are my co-seconds and you’re supposed to protect each other!”

“Since fucking when did ‘ _protecting each other_ ’ mean that I became his personal bodyguard!” Derek inquires, curious as to what Scott’s opinion of his position has really been all this time.

“Dammit Derek, since _always_! Since we were bratty little kids, but especially now. Kira takes care of herself, but each of the wolves is assigned a human counterpart to protect. Isaac has Allison; Jackson looks after Lydia, and I used to look over Stiles until you came back and took that responsibility so that I could be more free to lead. What did you think was happening here?!” Scott gapes at Derek, completely flummoxed that Derek didn’t realize this plan. Derek almost acquiesces, but quickly shakes his head. He knows there has to be more to it.

“Wait, I train Lydia and Allison myself so that they can handle themselves in a fight. They don’t hinder their helpers. Stiles is a hindrance, the last few times I’ve had to sideline him _just_ to take care of his wounds.”

“How is it his fault that you’re not protecting him well enough?!” Scott demands, causing Derek to blanch.

“Well why keep putting me with him?” He sputters, “Put him with Isaac, they’re closer and they talk more. Put me with Lydia.”

“They don’t trust you, Derek.” Scott says quickly, even causing himself to wince with the abruptness. The words hit Derek like a truck. He reels back until his back is flat against the wall and he’s shaking his head quickly in confusion. That can’t be true, Stiles is the problem here, not Derek.

“You’re assigned to Stiles because he’s the only one who wants to be with you in a high pressure situation.” Scott puts both his hands up looks at Derek carefully, meeting his still shocked gaze, “Fuck, I hate this, but you have to hear it. Yes, Stiles is full of reckless abandon, but he’s loyal and he’s dependable and he cares about the others. He’s self sacrificing and he’ll never stop fighting if it means saving someone he loves.

“You’ve become too much of a soldier, Derek. I know that Boyd fucked you up, we’re all still hurting because of his loss, but leaving changed you. I don’t know what it is, but you’re missing the thing that fosters trust. Outside of the fights you’re fine, but in the fray you’re this emotionless tank and everyone becomes numbers to you, just pawns to play. _Don’t be afraid to flee_?! What is that, even? And you try to win, but if someone was bleeding out you would accept it as a loss and move on. The only person you seem to be intent on saving is Stiles. I put you with him because I thought the care you use with him might seep into other members of the pack, but when Stiles isn’t there you’re back to your methodical self. That makes the others really uncomfortable and the last thing we need is the pack second guessing each other.”

Scott sits on the edge of Derek’s desk and picks up a paperweight of a wolf that Stiles bought Derek once the office had been set up. It was to celebrate Derek finally adulting and planting some roots that weren’t directly connected to the woods. Scott fingers the wolf’s snout before looking back up at Derek.

“We love you, bro, we really do and we _do_ trust you, but we don’t _know_ this version of you. It’s just so incomplete, like a piece of you is missing. This wall you’ve built up is crazy high and wide and the only person who willingly wants to try and get over it is Stiles.” Scott stands up and walks towards Derek, placing a comforting yet firm hand on the beta’s shoulder.

“He’s pack, Derek. And a vital member of it. You were gone for 4 years and in that time he taught us how to survive without you. He deserves his status and when he comes back he’ll be even more involved so you need to learn to deal with it, okay?”

Derek’s heart thumps in his chest as he stares at Scott for a contemplative moment before shrugging off Scott’s hand.

“Stiles jumps headfirst into everything without thinking. He’s going to get himself killed and we’re going to get killed trying to save him.” He says, allowing his cold anger to steel him as he continues, “He’s pack? Well a pack are supposed to be each other’s anchors, their safety lines. We’re acting like we’re his damned parachute and he won’t even pull the cord until it’s too fucking late and we’re all just splotches on the ground.”

“Are we _your_ anchors, Derek? Because the only thing that seems to push you is your anger and righteous man-pain!” Scott says in a defiant challenge.

Derek stands in front of his alpha, ignoring his warring instincts telling him to defer, and pokes Scott in the chest.

“Tell him to get the bite if he wants to be a fucking daredevil. Otherwise tell him to stay out of the fucking way. I’m prepared to die, but it won’t be because of his reckless stupidity.” Derek leaves the office and then his own damned loft before getting into his Camaro to drive to the preserve. There he shifts and runs, allowing his wolf to process the revelations of the evening.

Stiles watched as Derek left the loft and after only a few moments, heard his car peeling out of the driveway. He knew it would be a matter of hours before he heard Derek’s tell tale howl in the wind.

He wants to tell. Wants to assure Derek that the arrows that Allison shot were tipped with a poison recipe he’d concocted and slipped into a book on banshees that he’d left out for Lydia to find. He wanted to tell Derek about the sonic filters he’d implanted into his ears in the car that would distort the siren song, allowing him to get close, but not be affected by their song. He wanted to let Derek know that sometimes he did plan and he did think things through, but he couldn’t.

Because if he told, they might ask him to create other things and rely on the outcome and he didn’t trust his mind enough to be able to do that. He’d slowly started using bits of him again. He had to after Derek left, and after he got a full ride to a school hours away. It was one thing to be able to leave hints and clues for the others to pick up on and another to have to do it while he was so disconnected. He had to be creative if he was going to make sure the pack was safe, but even then his participation had limits.

If he used his brain to come up with a plan for something he didn’t understand, it might not work and people would die, and he’d rather have Derek Hale hate him for his wily stupidity than for being the reason more of the people he loved were taken away. And despite Derek’s exterior coldness, Stiles knew he was capable of love. The times he let it slip were always subtle, but they were there; most noticeably when Derek spoke of Cora, or was in wolf form, howling to the souls of his lost ones.

Stiles knew Derek wasn’t heartless, which is why he stuck around. Why he allowed the older man to push his buttons and why he volunteered for Derek to be his counterpart despite the objections of the others about the harsh nature of the man during battle. He couldn’t explain beyond an innate tugging at his heart why he chose to do so. He never expected to learn that Derek thought of him as a liability, though after he cooled down some from the argument, he couldn’t really argue the fact. He could see where the wolf was coming from, and he decided to take the loss.

His reputation with the former alpha was a sacrifice Stiles had been willing to make and one he would continue to.

They went on like this, the two of them, for the next two years until Stiles graduated. Stiles would come home on the weekends and defy every tenant of Derek’s training. They would fight and trade explosive barb after explosive barb until they inevitably had to be separated by Scott. Stiles would seethe on the couch and Derek would run in the woods and the next day Stiles would go back to school. Now that he was graduated, things were different. The next day there was no school to run back to, and he’d have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

* * *

 


	4. A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

**

Derek’s phone buzzes with an urgency he didn’t even know his phone could have. It seems as though a special tone has been set to incoming messages from a specific pack line. Derek figures it’s something Stiles set up one of the many time he’s stolen the wolf’s phone and looks at the message. It is a group text from Stiles saying that an incubus is chasing him and Lydia.

Since Stiles has been back, there has been an even greater increase in nefarious supernatural activity and if Derek had to worry about blood pressure, the increase would be there too. The two work efficiently together, but they never see eye to eye on tactic and would more often than not continue fighting long after the foe was defeated. Scott tried his best to mediate, but often just left the two to their own devices.

Outside of Jackson’s usual “ _just fuck already_!” the pack chose not to pick sides and neither Stiles nor Derek would allow them to anyway. They understood that their issue was between them, but that didn’t make it any less tense.

Derek rolls his eyes as he jumps quickly out of bed, trying to read the replies for details while getting dressed so he can leave and help. As soon as he puts on his jeans his phone rings and he answers hurriedly.

“Dammit Stiles, let me hold the phone and you watch the damned road!” Lydia screeches over the line. “I already saw one dead body; I don’t want to see my own death and especially not because of your shitty driving!”

“Lyds, I love you, but shut up! Is everyone on?!” Stiles demands into the phone. Derek hears Scott and the rest answer before answering himself. Stiles continues.

“Good, Lydia and I were out at darts and this hot blond guy started hitting on me-”

“I don’t know if you grinding your ass into his crotch counts as him hitting on you, Stiles.”

“He let me so it counts, focus Lydia!”

“You guys!” Scott yells over the line, urging Stiles to get to the heart of his story.

“Sorry, yeah! So we’re in the bathrooms making out.”

“Gross, c’mon Stiles, have some dignity!” Jackson sneers over the line.

“Fuck you, Jax, you didn’t say that the last time you and I were-”

“Would you guys quit fucking around and let us know where you are and what you need us to do!” Derek yells frustratedly over the line. Stiles sighs.

“Of course, leave it to Grandpa Hale to ruin the fun. Look, I didn’t even think we needed to call you all but Lydia insisted. Once we were in the bathroom I started feeling kind of woozy and I noticed his eyes flash. I knocked him over the head with a bat and threw him in the trunk of the car. We’re gonna take him to Deaton’s who will arrange transport to Eichen, everything is under control- _shit_!”

Everyone stills as they hear Stiles swerve in Lydia’s car at a sudden knocking and yelling coming from the trunk.

“Stiles, I thought you said it was restrained!” Lydia yells.

“It was, I used my cuffs! Fuck, you guys meet us at Deaton’s!” Is the last thing the pack hears before the line disconnects. A stunned moment passes and Scott bursts into action.

“Everyone to Deaton’s now! Allison, you bring the mountain ash. When everyone gets there pair up, Derek-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Make sure Stiles hasn’t killed himself.” Derek disconnects before Scott can chime back in and turns his phone off, making a turn at the light towards the clinic.

When he arrives he sees Stiles and Lydia standing in a circle of mountain ash as Stiles swings his bat at the incubus while Lydia chants something in Latin.

A strong gust of wind rustles a leaf, creating a breach in their protection. The incubus grins as it gets ready to launch at Stiles and Lydia screams.

In that moment Jackson swoops in and grabs Lydia as Derek launches himself between the incubus and Stiles allowing the creature’s claws to gorge into his chest as the incubus vomits something green and toxic onto the wounds.

Derek’s own claws are not out of the fight as they tear out the incubus’ throat. Derek lands on the ground and he’s sure he gets back up, but instead he lays there unable to move. He can feel whatever it was the incubus regurgitated on him pulse through his body as it tries to knit itself back together.

“Dam- -rek! I had it un- -trol! If you’d ju- -ndle it we could have-” Derek can see Stiles yelling at him. Can feel the spray of something cold wetting his body to get the gunk off. He looks down at his body briefly, sees that his shirt has been shredded and his pants are undone. He giggles for some reason. He looks back at Stiles who has ceased yelling, but is looking at him like a deer into headlights. Derek wants to assure Stiles he’s fine, he’s just fine. He wants to touch him. Wants to run his thumb over that obscene cupid’s bow on his upper lip. Wants to trace his moles with his tongue, yeah.

_Mmm…_ he wants Stiles’ mouth on his cock, fuck he wants anything on his cock, the tip of which is peeking out of his jeans and straining against his cold zipper. His cock which is causing a beautiful blush to grace Stiles’ face. And Scott’s who is looking down on him in horror. And Isaac who is looking away and his shoulder which Allison has turned her face into giggling childishly. Why is she giggling? Why isn’t she sucking his cock? Finally his brain switches on, sending him a brief update of what’s happening.

“Sex pollen, Stiles?! Are you fucking kidding me?!” Derek says, finally mustering up enough cognizance to be embarrassed about his situation. “ _Fix this_!”

“I can’t, you di- _llhole_!” Stiles says, trying to not say anything that could be perceived as innuendo. He leans forward into Derek while Scott is busy with Deaton and the rest of the pack is assisting with cleanup. He speaks quietly into Derek’s ear, “I drank a potion that would make me immune to the glop on the way over. I could have handled it, but _noooo_ , you had to come being everyone’s wolfy savior! Well I hope it’s gonna be worth the next 14 hours big guy, because those are gonna be hell and it’s all your fault!” Stiles sneers at Derek and is about to get up before Derek grabs him.

“Scott! Stiles says he’s going home!” Derek yells out cheekily, once again letting another wave of the gloop invade his senses. He can feel the breeze ignite every nerve ending on his skin and mindlessly starts humping the air.

“Stiles, shut up! You’re going with him!” Scott yells as he reaches down and carefully helps Derek to his feet. Jackson throws them a towel to wrap around Derek’s waist as they walk him to Stiles’ Jeep that Scott drove over.

“Wait, what?” Stiles flails as he runs after them, reluctantly opening the passenger door to get Derek inside. Derek sits on the seat and writhes against it, as a hot searing desire burns its way through him. He reaches out for anything that might help. His left hand lands on the gear shift and as he strokes it, his eyes flicker up to Stiles. Stiles gawps and slams the side door before turning to Scott who is pointing at him intimidatingly.

“Don’t _touch_ him, none of this counts as consent and even if he’s begging for it, he’ll resent you tomorrow.” Scott warns.

“Wha- what?! _Me_?! Why are you acting like-”

“Keep him fed and hydrated and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.” Scott continues, simply ignoring his friend’s mutterings.

“He’s gonna jerk the skin off his dick, Scott! What the fuck am I supposed-” Stiles gives up, and nearly cries. He has no idea how Scott thinks he’s supposed to handle this.

“I know you have like… _supplies_ and stuff that he can use, right? You’ve been single for a while.” Scott says matter-of-factly.

“Jesus Christ, Scott!” Stiles yells, his face going an entirely different shade of pink.

“Just like, clean them and use condoms and make sure the batteries work? I don’t fucking know, just handle it! He’s pack, you’re pack, you two are my seconds, get it the fuck together!” Scott says with a flash of his eyes before stalking away to help Deaton take care of the body. Stiles leans his back against door and is greeted by a hand snaking down his chest and wet voice in his ear.

“Stiles… do we need to stop and get _batterieeeees_?” It says teasingly as the rogue hand pinches his nipple. Stiles pulls away quickly and looks back at Derek who is smiling zanily. His eyes are nearly completely pupil and he can see the wolf panting fiercely.

“Derek you better not be jacking off in Roscoe! Don’t you fucking jizz in my girl!”

“Well then you better get me somewhere I _can_ jizz before it’s- _uggh_!”

“Derek, _NO_!”  Stiles yells at Derek's smug and exaggerated 'O' face. 

“ _Too_ late!” Derek says with a sleepy, partially sated smile.

Stiles hates his life, he decides, as he drives the wolf back to his place. He would take care of Derek for the next 14 hours. But after, they were gonna have a talk.

The next morning, Derek stalks out of Stiles’ guestroom. Derek has been in Stiles’ apartment before, but never even realize he had a guestroom. Now he knew the entire layout of the apartment far too well. He’d have to pay Stiles for a cleaning service. He’s clean, but sore -even as a werewolf- and still tired. His asshole hurts. He doesn’t know what to think about that. It could have been worse, Stiles took good care of him all things considered. Especially since he was the one that caused the bullshit in the first place.

Derek walks into the kitchen where Stiles is pouring him a cup of coffee. He serves it up the way he knows Derek likes and motions to the chair on the other side of the island where Derek is standing. Derek passes.

“Sex poll-”

“Before you say anything.” Stiles interrupts, “I had a solution in place, ok? I would have been immune to the glop but you-”

“You wouldn’t have been immune to the _claws_ , Stiles.” Derek starts sluggishly, “You would have gotten scars you could never get rid of. Did you actually think you were fast enough to avoid them?” Derek expects Stiles to answer, but the boy’s face gives away his truth.

“I hadn’t… I forgot to-”

“This is the problem, Stiles. You’re too impulsive.”

“And you’re too restrained, Derek!” Stiles says, as he ramps up for one of their epic arguments, “You don’t have a heart, you don’t act well on instinct and you spend too much time thinking. If you do that, the feeling is going to fade and you’re going to miss the opportunity to act on it!”

“Your bravery shouldn’t be fueled by adrenaline, Stiles! It’s okay to be afraid!”

“Fuck you, it’s okay to be afraid! What the fuck do you know about fear?!” Stiles’ brazenness catches them both of guard. They’re used to these arguments, but this time was different. This was a path that Stiles wasn’t prepared for. Because it’s _not_ okay for Stiles to be afraid. He’s a feckless human, if he gets scared he dies, or worse yet people die. People like his mother. He was so scared his creations to help her wouldn’t work that he stopped giving them to her. What if he hadn’t?

What if?

“Look, asshole! I’m fucking smart, okay? I do research in advance so when situations like this come up, I can act and get shit done. Sorry if I don’t clue you in, but you gotta trust that while you’re off teaching the _good_ , obedient pack members how to execute the perfect sleeper hold, I’m in the lab making a poison that will take everyone out.

“And you, you come back into town on your high horse and think that just because you don’t see me I’m not here? You act like you can’t trust me even though _I’m_ the one who stayed and kept this pack together despite you leaving us to blow in the wind? Fuck you, Derek! Fuck your fear and fuck _you_!”

Stiles pants with anger and Derek slumps defeated. He wants to ask Stiles, why he hides all of this research and planning if he’s so confident in it? Why isn’t he openly creating things for the pack to use? But he keeps it to himself as he comes to realize that theirs isn’t a situation that’s going to change organically. Someone has to make a move. He hates Stiles and Stiles hates him back. Or he may be in love with Stiles, who fucking knows? All he knows is that he’s done, and he can’t do this back and forth anymore.

Because it’s finally clear to him why he and the boy can never agree except in saving or hurting each other.

In the molten heat of Stiles’ eyes, Derek can see himself when he was young. Specifically when he was young and desperate, clinging on to all vestiges of emotional normalcy as his world began to fall apart. He can see where Stiles is headed if he doesn’t take the steps now to control his heart and start relying on his mind to guide him. He can see it, but he can’t take actually watching it happen. Not again.

Which is even more worrisome to Derek. That Derek has put a padlock around his heart and Stiles has taken all this time to wear it down to a flimsy paperclip. He cares about the way Stiles cares and he knows if he continues being a part of his life, he’s going to give in. For both of their sake it’s a bad idea. Derek’s heart is a poison, but one he can’t live without. But it’s also one he can’t let hurt others, so he’ll live with it locked away.

He nods at Stiles, puts down his coffee and goes back to the guest room to gather his things. As he heads out he stops at the door, turning only slightly to speak over his shoulder.

“Goodbye, Stiles. Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, Derek. I’ll, I’ll see you, right? I’ll-” But Derek Hale is already gone.

***

“Stiles, what the fuck happened? I told you to fix it!” Scott fumes over the phone. He should have been more involved, but he didn’t see this coming.

“What? How is this my fault? Nothing different really happened. He blamed me for being an idiot, I called him out for being a heartless douche, it’s what we _do_!”

“He’s leaving the pack!”

“What?!” Stiles yells into the phone as he runs to his computer to see if Derek is on the messenger. His name has already been removed.

“He said if he’s needed in case of world threatening emergency, but he needs to take an indeterminate amount of time off and he hopes we’ll respect his wishes for distance.”

“That piece of shit, he just can’t stay in once place can he? Where’s he off to now, Jamaica? Fucking New Mexico?” Stiles begins tearing a piece of paper into strips as he tries not to pout. Scott sighs.

“He’s staying in Beacon Hills and he’s _not_ a piece of shit, Stiles! Both of you have been petulant wangs and it was only a matter of time before one of you snapped. He was a great asset to the pack, Stiles. This is gonna be tough.”

Stiles nods, nudging a tear from his eye.

“Uhh, yeah Scotty. Look, I gotta go, but I’ll call you later and we’ll figure something out.” Stiles disconnects and lays on his couch. The tears are greater now, inconsolably hot on his cheeks. He can’t talk himself down from this outburst, can’t reason it away, he’d given up that ability long ago. So he just feels it and lets the sorrow wash over him until he’s a hiccuping ball of regret. It’s the downside of being a slave to emotion, but one he’s willing to deal with. Tomorrow will be another day. One without Derek, but another day none-the-less. Stiles sleeps fitfully and doesn’t leave his apartment for the next three days.

Time passes, a few weeks here, a month or so there, and a new order is established. Derek has renovated several houses and nurseries on the Hale land and supplies local businesses with flowers, honey and other cultivated goods. He’s thinking about introducing some animals and even hiring employees to help. He advises the pack when needed and every now and again sees the individual members socially. He doesn’t attend the meetings and he doesn’t see Stiles.

Stiles has been operating under his usual guise as pack enforcer, feeding information where needed and helping to generally keep the town safe. He tells everyone he studied English, but in reality he was a chemical engineering major with a minor in forensic science so he decides to train as a deputy during the day and an emissary under Deaton at night. Really, with his degree he could be an officer, but being a deputy gives him the access to information he needs without running him ragged while he studies with Deaton.

As he learns more, Deaton begins to task Stiles with duties related to the harvesting and creation of different salves and tinctures they’ll use in Stiles’ training. It turns out that Deaton gets the bulk of his herbs and supplies from none other than Hale’s Harvest, Derek’s company that always makes Stiles laugh.

The first day Stiles goes to pick up Deaton’s order is the first time the two have really seen each other in almost a year.


	5. Get Your Mind Right

**

“Well if it isn’t Farmer Hale, himself!” Stiles greets as he walks up to the main house. Derek is standing on the porch and delegates some order into a walky talky before finally landing eyes on Stiles. He looks good. Rested, though busy, with the natural wear and tear of hard labor and not the advanced aging that daily risking your life brings. His eyes shine a bright green in the late afternoon sun and his hair is a little longer, his beard only slightly unruly. He’s wearing waders and Stiles cocks an eyebrow pointing.

“Do you have bogs? Like for cranberries? Because you know that some monster is gonna take up residence there any day, it’s inevitable… it’s a _bog_.”

“I don’t have bogs, Stiles. It’s for the vineyard, we’re going to stomp for a premier collection.” Derek finally answers with his patented eyeroll. His voice even sounds nice and rested though laden with annoyance. The familiarity warms Stiles’ heart. “What do you want? I’m sure Scott can handle the trolls on his own.”

“There are trolls?” Stiles asks, wondering when he’d missed that memo. He’s been working extra time with Deaton and has left some of the smaller cases to the pack to deal with on their own.

“Stiles!” Stiles’ attention snaps to Derek’s questioning visage. This should be an easy task, a quick in and out to grab what he needs and then leaves. But for some reason Stiles wants to linger a bit.

“Hey, calm your tits, garden wolf. Maybe I want some of your what I assume to be all organic goods, you ever think about that? I was told by Mrs. Plotsky that I would be remiss if I left here without a jar of your jalapeno honey, so how about that, mister? Gimme some of that sweet heat!” Stiles teases as he waggles his brows suggestively. Still standing on the porch, Derek crosses his arms over his chest and quickly looks him up and down.

“You’ve been asking about me, Stiles?”

“Wait, what? _No_!” Stiles fumbles as he feels the air rush out his lungs, quickly filling up the… outside? Dammit, what was he doing? “Look, I’m just here to pick up some shit you have for Deaton, okay? A guy tries to be cordial-”

“You should try harder, I’ll be right back.” Derek says as he turns away and heads back into the house. For someone who didn’t know him they’d think of it as a clear dismissal, but the Stiles that knew Derek knew he’d missed their banter. Stiles bounds up the steps and lets himself into the house following after the wolf.

It looks nice, classic and homey though not dated. The infusion of plants and flowers and different elements of nature lend an openness to the space that’s only fostered by the wide open porch leading to the back gardens. Wind is able to flow freely through and natural sunlight filters into the house from every angle.

“This came together really well, Derek. I know it was a journey for you, but the Hales would be so proud.” Stiles says softly. He understands the weight of the words and doesn’t miss the vulnerability on Derek’s face as he decides how to process the statement.

“Thank you, Stiles. I appreciate that. Umm-” Derek reaches out a bag for him and has him sign in the doctor’s space on a form. “So, just tell Deaton that whenever he needs another order filled to call ahead at least 12 hours and I’ll have it ready for him. Most of what he wanted is always in harvest so it’s never really a problem.” Derek leans against the doorframe as Stiles fidgets in the hallway still looking around. It’s not a hint, just a politeness that neither of them seems to be willing to take. After a silent moment, Stiles bubbles back to the present.

“Okay, well yeah. I guess, I’ll see you the next time Deaton sends me out for errands?” Stiles looks at Derek with bright, hopeful eyes. Derek nods and Stiles leaves.

Derek watches him as he goes, contemplative as to what he’d just opened himself up to. It was true that he missed the boy something terrible, but he couldn’t afford the risk of loving him. Not if it meant losing him, which it inevitably would. He looked good. He was nearly as tall as Derek and broad at the shoulders, yet still slim at the waist. He’d developed muscles from his deputy training and Derek could imagine the thick corded muscles of his legs and arms and back as he trotted back to his Jeep. His hair was slightly longer in front, but trimmed neatly in the back and he sported a sparse and scraggly goatee. The thought of it made Derek’s breath catch.

He was different, definitely a grown man at 22, but there was one part of him that remained the same: his eyes. Those bright brown sparkling pools full of imagination and curiosity and the warning mania of someone who only lived by the direction of their heart. It called to Derek, but also repelled him.

He knew, of course, that Stiles was working for the sheriff’s office. It was predictable and a boring type of normalcy that Stiles needed, even in someplace as volatile as Beacon Hills. When there weren’t wendigos on the loose or malevolent druids, the city was actually relatively quiet. A grocery store robbery or bar fight were actually welcome distractions.

Derek found out through Scott about the emissary training. Scott was sad to lose his other second, but he considered the time away an investment into the future of their pack. He’d picked up three more members, a sire of his own named Liam, his girlfriend Hayden and their best friend, a human named Mason. Scott was busy with their training and putting plans into place for their next big attack.

He consulted with Derek every now and again, mostly about the history of the area, or any lore that Derek had come across when he was young. Derek was thankful for the visits and for being able to continue utilizing his knowledge, though he did feel the separation from the pack. For now though, it was what he convinced himself he needed. And there was nothing showing him otherwise.

Not until Deaton’s orders started to become more and more frequent.

“No one needs this much mistletoe, Stiles!” Derek says as he carries a covered shrub of the stuff with a heavily gloved hand and put it in the back of Stiles’ Jeep.

“First of all, Merry Christmas to you too, Derek!” Derek rolls his eyes as Stiles winks at him cheekily from the driver’s seat. “Second of all, did you know that mistletoe can provide a calming solution for a banshee? This way Lydia doesn’t have to be plagued with nightmares. Also, it’s pretty effective in a lot of different runes. I know it makes you itch or whatever-”

“The _whatever_ you’re looking for is _dead_ , Stiles. It makes me _dead_.”

“-but overall the practical uses outweigh the risks, am I right?”

“And how are you coming up with all of this? Finally using that feeble little mind of yours?” Derek motions for Stiles to follow him inside where the rest of Deaton’s order is boxed up. He hears Stiles huff behind him.

“Pfft, uhh, _no_. I just, you know… do what Deaton says and if it works, it works, I don’t really put a lot of thought- I mean, what about you? Still an emotionless sack of bricks?” Stiles asks desperately trying to derail the attention away from himself. Derek notices.

“Emotions are fickle at best and you know it. Why are you acting like your brain is a liability, Stiles? You’re one of the smartest, most intelligent people I know. I wish I could be half as-”

“No, you don’t.” Stiles interrupts, giving Derek a glimpse of the scared child inside before locking it away. “I would say that you should want half of this gigantic heart full of so much love that I have to give, but you don’t fool me, Hale. I know that you care! You’re practically brimmeth over with sincerity and fondness!”

“Oh yeah? _Brimmeth over_?” Derek teases as he helps Stiles take the boxes back out to his Jeep. Stiles gets inside and turns over the engine before looking back at Derek.

“Hey, thanks for the jalapeno honey you slipped into the last pack. It was great. I made a glaze for some chicken and even dad loved it.” Stiles says smoothly, not breaking eye contact with his benefactor.

“It must have fallen in there by mistake.” Derek says as he glares at Stiles, crossing his arms defiantly across his chest. Stiles only grins and shakes his head.

“Sure, big guy. I’ll see you later?”

“If you don’t take out the whole city with that mistletoe then sure.”

Stiles laughs as he drives away. Derek wanders back inside his house and wonders how Stiles will use the wild berry compote he’d put with the day’s order. He knew he was playing with fire, but seeing the boy again made something warm bloom inside of him in a place that was normally empty and cold. He could indulge this heat as long as he didn’t get too close, right?

Stiles drove back to the clinic and began unloading things in the back. He carefully situates the mistletoe for harvest later and then begins unloading the other boxes of goods. Sure, half of it they didn’t really need, but it’s never a bad thing to be prepared. And sure, he’d forgotten to order some of the time sensitive things they _did_ need, but that just meant placing another order and Stiles didn’t mind making the extra trip.

‘ _Besides,_ ’ Stiles thought to himself, ‘ _I’m almost out of that jalapeno honey._ ’

Stiles grins to himself as he reaches into the last box and pulls out the jar of wild berry compote. He stifles a giggle when Deaton pokes his head into the room, cocking a questioning eyebrow. Stiles just waves him off and put the compote into his bag while he sorts out the rest of the items.

He’d almost slipped with Derek, letting him know that he’d started to use him brain more. Currently it was controlled, his brain was little more than a memory bank as he practiced ruins and potions that Deaton previously used. He didn’t trust himself to improve on the recipes or to present them to Scott outside of the perfunctory uses like a salve for Lydia or a scar minimizer for the humans. So he was still somewhat engaging his mind, but he was safe. He could engage his curiosity without actually hurting anyone.

Deaton seemed to be slightly displeased by Stiles’ lack of academic acumen that Scott always raved about. Though he did seem eager to learn, the boy also seemed to be holding back when it came to more radical application of the principles Deaton was teaching.

“Stiles, the tenets I’m teaching you are just that; guidelines for your spark to push and experiment with. You have a chance to be extraordinary, please feel free to take full advantage of this apprenticeship.” Stiles would nod and Deaton would sigh as he tried to figure out what was holding the boy back. Perhaps a more advanced task would stimulate his inquisitiveness?

Deaton pulls some strings and in a few weeks has an ancient tome put on loan to him from a Palestinian museum.

“Umm, I know there are some old ass dogs in here, doc, but nothing about this clinic qualifies as a museum and personally I find it a little insensitive to call the spay and neuter event you’re having an ‘ _exhibit’_.” Stiles wonders as he eyes the book in Deaton’s study. Deaton smirks.

“If it makes you feel better, Mr. Stilinski, we can bronze a set of balls afterwards.” Stiles barks out a laugh at the doctor’s sardonic wit. Deaton has a rap for being stoic and conservative, and he is, but every now and again he can be very surprising.

“Ok, Curator Deaton, just how many international tariffs did this thing come up with and is it gonna affect my Christmas bonus?”

“Well, Stiles, even if I did give bonuses, it wouldn’t matter because you’re not my employee, you’re my student. And you will peruse this book until you find something that you want to execute. The challenge is that this book is part of a set of two. Meaning in order to complete any of the rituals inside, you need details from both books.”

“Okay, first off, does Scott know that you don’t give bonuses? Because lame, dude. Secondly, so where’s the second book?” Stiles says as he pulls on gloves and starts thumbing through the tome. Deaton stands behind him and shrugs.

“Oh it was destroyed a long time ago. There’s some really nefarious stuff in this book. The other half was destroyed for the greater good.” He explains as Stiles looks at him suspiciously.

“But… you said that I was going to do one of the things in here.”

Deaton nods, “That’s right, you are.”

Stiles looks at the book and then back at Deaton.

“Well how in the hell am I supposed to do that, Alan!?”

Deaton chuckles and pats Stiles on the shoulder.

“You’re a smart guy, I’m sure you’ll think of something. Hey, when you get time, why don’t you head out to Derek’s? I called in that order last night so it may be ready. Just hang out a bit if it’s not.”

Stiles shakes his head and waves off the doctor who walks away still chuckling softly to himself. Deaton could be such an ass, but only because he seems to know how much Stiles loves and hates this challenge. He sighs and grabs his jacket before making his way out to Derek’s house.

“Stiles, no!” Derek yells from the porch as Stiles pulls Roscoe into her usual space. Stiles ambles out and jogs up to Derek, confused about the outburst.

“Dude, what’s your problem?”

“First you order enough mistletoe to kill the entire western seaboard-”

“Technically, only the east has a seaboard, coastline would be more appropriate-”

“-and now you want 10 bushels of wolfsbane? What the fuck does Deaton have you doing over there?”

“Ten?!” Stiles pulls the order from Derek and immediately sees the error. “Oh, dude, my bad! I put in the standing order last week and Deaton just placed this so I put the zero and just forgot to cross out the one. Sorry about that.”

“Dammit, Stiles, write like a human being. I thought you’d turned into a serial killer of supernaturals or some shit. And don’t fucking call me dude!” Derek yells in a state between annoyed and amused and annoyance at being amused. Stiles shrugs.

“Dude, what’s your damage? Come on, make me some of that delicious tea I’ve been hearing about and calm your fucking tits.”

“Stop telling me to calm my tits, Stiles! My tits are just fine, no thanks to your genocide plans. And what the fuck do you even know about the eastern seaboard?” Stiles can’t help but laugh at Derek’s indignation. He’s putting on his trademark scowly face, but doesn’t even flinch when Stiles grasps him by the shoulder and leads him inside.

Derek puts on the kettle and Stiles sits across from him while the tea brews and updates him on the latest pack news. It’s nice, hearing Stiles’ point of view on how Scott is doing and how the pack is growing. He’s still holding back slightly, not really going further than his surface opinion, but it’s a start.

He’s still funny, constantly making Derek stifle a laugh. He’s also still infuriating, getting under Derek’s skin, trying to set up residence where Derek’s long standing ‘No Trespassing’ waves vicariously so in the wind.

Stiles comes over often, even without delivery and slowly but surely, they become friends Derek begins to open up more to Stiles and Stiles begins to show more of his intellect to Derek. They still argue, make little barbs at one another to not get too close, but overall it’s pretty nice.

They normally stay away from volatile topics, but every now and again the conversation gets turned back to the old days. They’re not so far removed from them, but there are elements that seemed like a lifetime ago.

“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we, Derek?” Stiles asks one night as he nurses his mug of hot chocolate. There’s a homemade candy cane marshmallow on top slowly melting into the cocoa lava underneath. It makes Stiles feel nostalgic as he watches Derek watching him over the steam.

“Yes, Stiles, I think it can definitely be said that we have.”

“We’ve known each other, what? Over six years now? We’ve seen it all haven’t we?” Stiles sips from his cup and tilts his head back, exposing the long line of his neck as he swallows. He closes his eyes and hums, “Trolls and sirens, chimera and coyotes, they all tried to defeat us, but none ever did.”

“But by the grace of the creator.” Derek deadpans, eyes narrowing, studying the inherent mischief in Stiles’ visage.

“Wendigos and skinwalkers, werejaguars and rogue omegas. Hell…” Stiles flicks his eyes open, training them on the werewolf. The light from the fire dances in them like an open flame in a forest, “even an incubus.”

Derek lets out a shuddering sigh as he sees traces of red begin to creep out of Stiles’ collar and color his cheeks, belying the young man’s saucy demeanor. It’s something they’ve never talked about; it’s something everyone in the pack had the good sense to never talk about. Even the resulting conversation with Scott in the aftermath consisted of, ‘ _uhh, so you ok, bro?’_ And Derek insisting, ‘ _yeah_ ’ before they made a silent oath to never bring up the situation again.

“Stiles… you know that conversation is always off topic.” Derek warns. It’s not that he was embarrassed by the niggling and voracious need to satisfy his drug induced sexual cravings that night, it’s the emotional cravings left in its wake that leaves him wary.

“ _Stiles, please! Don’t leave me, please!_ ” Derek remembers reaching out weak and vulnerable to Stiles as he was about to vacate the room. Stiles stood at the door, gripping the knob and frame with white knuckles trying to will himself to leave.

“ _Derek, you can’t consent. And you’ll hate me if I touch you. In the morning, I know you will. You won’t have agreed to this.”_ Derek remembers Stiles shaking as he exhaled and mustered up whatever strength he could to convince Stiles to stay that night.

“ _What if I touch you?”_ It wasn’t much, but it was enough to get Stiles to finally look at him. To look at the sweat drenched naked vision writhing on his bed, emanating want and unfiltered desire through his pores. He wishes he could say it was all because of the pollen, but he was also glad that for once he didn’t have to explain the heightening of his already there attraction.

“ _Yeah, yeah, okay. So I’ll just sit there, at the edge of the bed, and if you need contact, you just touch me, okay? I won’t touch back, I promise, just… take care of yourself, Derek.”_ Stiles went to sit on the edge of the bed and Derek immediately draped an arm around his stomach while lifting up his shirt and burying his nose as close to Stiles’ groin as he could manage.

A frenzied arousal quickly filled the boy, catching him off guard and incapable of holding in the moan that escaped from his lips.

“ _Jesus, Derek! I’m trying here, okay? I’m trying.”_ Was all Stiles will admit to saying, and is all Derek would ever admit to hearing. The rest of the night he inhaled the boy’s scent for comfort and caressed him softly as he chased and found his own pleasure. Occasionally, between the times before he passed out, he heard Stiles run to the restroom to release his own pressure. The sound of Stiles’ moans lulled Derek to sleep

It was then that he knew he was in trouble, but now, after all this time, maybe it’s a memory no longer worth hiding?

“Conversations about you and I working together are off topic?” Stiles asks with a smacking sip from his mug.

“Could that really be considered us working together?” Derek inquires watching the boy’s newfound grace and attitude blossom. Knowing he would be a goner any minute.

“Well, I do recall putting in several long… and _hard_ … hours.” Stiles puts the mug on the table in front of him and leans back in his chair, drumming his fingers on his thighs, never breaking eye contact with Derek.

“Hmm, so arduous was it? I don’t recall you complaining about it being so long… and _hard_.” Derek counters. Stiles, ever at the ready, simply smirks while hovering his hand dangerously close to his crotch.

“Oh I wasn’t complaining one bit. I was just thinking maybe it’s time to plan in case we get into a situation like that again. It really hurt to not be able to be _hands on_ with the solution.” Stiles leans forward to pick up his mug, but takes his time, walking his fingers across the wood grain of the coffee table to his cup.

“You wanna be _hands on_ with me, Stiles?” Derek asks, watching as Stiles slowly wets his lips.

“Yo, Mr. Hale, I have that ivy you asked for!” Both men’s attention snap to Derek’s worker as they remember why Stiles was over this time in the first place.

“Ahem, yeah, thanks, Ricky. Just uhh, take it out to Mr. Stilinski’s Jeep, okay?”

“Sure thing, hey ya, Stiles!” Ricky obliviously greets the young man who waves congenially before looking sheepishly back at Derek.

“Uhh, so I guess, I don’t really have a reason to hang around so I’ll just uhh-”

“Come by anytime, Stiles. You’re always welcome.” Derek says, with an open smile full of truth. Stiles smiles genuinely back and waves before taking his exit.

* * *


	6. My Heart Makes My Brain Feel Stupid

**

“Well Mr. Stilinski, it’s been 4 weeks and the full moon is upon us. Which of the rituals have you chosen to enact?” Deaton asks Stiles. Although he’s been keeping himself busy, he knows the book is always in the back of the boy’s mind. He’s been noticing him taking notes coyly though he’s still unsure what the secrecy is all about. Either way, he’s excited to learn what Stiles has concocted.

“Well doc, uhh… fuck it, nothing, I got nothing.” Stiles says with a resigned shrug as the doctor watches him carefully.

“Stiles, I believe that I’ve given you a very wide berth for this assignment. The parameters don’t exceed your abilities.”

“I know that, Alan, I just-”

“Then why are you acting like this isn’t a gift?”

“A gift? A book full of spells and incantations that could destroy half the fucking globe is a gift?”

“Yes, when placed in the right hands.” Deaton says with a pointed identification that he believes Stiles to be in possession of said hands. Stiles sighs.

“Why the fuck do you think my hands are the right hands?! Have you see my hands?” Stiles waves his digits in Deaton’s face, “They’re filthy and they can’t be trusted.”

“You have one week to present your ritual. If you don’t, that will be the end of your training. You can do this Stiles. Believe in yourself and your ability.” Deaton says as he starts to leave. Stiles throws his hands up in frustration.

“Wait, so if I don’t cast this spell that can’t be cast because half of the fucking recipe has been destroyed for the greater good of mankind, you’re going to fucking drop me?”

“Like a bad habit, Mr. Stilinski. Much like the ones you’ve built into a wall around your mind.”

“Fuck you, Deaton, how is that fair?”

“How is you hoarding your knowledge and skills fair to me? To your pack, to the citizens of Beacon Hills? How is it fair to yourself?” Deaton raises an eyebrow at Stiles. “How is it fair to Derek?”

Stiles looks up at Deaton, immediately defensive. He’s about to say something, but stops at the last moment before turning back to the book and opening it again. He pulls on his gloves and shoos Deaton from the room.

***

“So then he’s all ‘ _the parameters of the assignment don’t exceed your abilities, Mr. Stilinski_!’ and I just wanted to punch him in the fucking nose. I mean, it’s a spell that was literally cut in half because if found it could be fucking fatal to _mankind_ , you know how big that is, Derek?” Stiles was ranting to Derek about the situation the night of the full moon when Stiles was to cast his spell. He was picking up some last minute supplies from Derek and was now loitering to kill time before sunset.

He could finally admit to himself that he preferred the pleasure of Derek’s company… and also, Derek’s baked goods. The werewolf made cake with a whipped fruit topping to go over it and Stiles was hoping he could snag some to take home.

“I don’t know why you’re so loathe to use your mind, Stiles, or why you come to me like I can sympathize. You know I think you’re brilliant and I don’t have a clue why you’re still trying to deny it.” Derek says as he starts to wrap up a cake for Stiles.

“You wouldn’t understand, Derek. I… I can’t explain it, but there are reasons for why I am the way I am-”

“Oh, and here I thought it was complete happenstance.” Derek tutters. After a moment of silence he turns and sees Stiles steely expression fixed on him.

 “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Derek?” Stiles asks lowly but pointedly. Derek sighs. He knew this time was coming and guesses it was best to get it out in the open now.

“Stiles, it’s a well known fact that you sabotage yourself. Even before we started being friendly, I knew about the spells you would slip into Lydia’s books and then leave for her to find. I know about the changes you would make to Scott’s plans because suddenly they would be different than the ones he’d originally sent me first. But the point wasn’t that they were different; they were _better_. They were calculated and thoughtful and I know Scott didn’t do that on his own because when I sent the plans back Scott would always remark about _my_ additions.

“You hide and you can’t get past the fear and it’s holding you back from the greatness that’s inevitable with you and I don’t know why you do it.” Derek gathers himself for the onslaught of curse riddled insults he’s about to get, but instead he sees Stiles deflate slightly.

“I don’t… I don’t trust myself to.... she died because I could only go so far and-”

“What? Stiles, who? What are you talking about?” Derek’s interruption seems to bring Stiles out of his reverie and Derek swears he can see Stiles starting to re-lay brick around him. This time it pisses Derek off.

“Fine! Just fucking walk away and put up your wall! The fuck do I care if you just let your most important asset atrophy due to misuse?”

“My most important asset? But I’ve been told I have _buckets of charm_!” Stiles spits as he rolls his eyes at the heated up wolf.

“Always with the fucking jokes, the fucking deflection, never putting out how you really feel-”

“Me?! _ME?!_ Derek you are the posterboy for emotional constipation and you have the damned gall to give me shit for not wanting to slam into the cold, brick wall around your heart? Fuck you!”

“Fuck you, Stiles! I’ve let you in! These past few weeks I’ve let you into my home and further into my heart than I let anyone since-” Derek takes a pause to breathe, but continues, “but you act like it’s a fucking imposition! Do you know what it fucking does to me to sit here and watch you dismiss your own intelligence? I would kill to be half as smart as you and you’re just throwing it away because you made the wrong decision once?”

“Fucking _watch_ it, Hale! This isn’t some _Good Will Hunting_ bullshit, Derek. This is my life and you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about so shut the fuck-”

“Fuck you, Stiles! Fuck you, get the fuck out of my house, and out of my life! Tell Deaton he can pick up his own shit from now on or I’ll get Ricky to deliver it. Forget my fucking number.”

“If that’s the way you want to be about it, fine! You piece of shit, _fine_!” It’s dark out now and the moon is rising high as Stiles stomps out of the house and to his car where he breaks several posted speed limit laws and runs a number of red lights driving back to the clinic. He runs inside and opens the book, flipping furiously through the pages.

Derek paces the floor of his living room, still steaming from his encounter with Stiles. He hadn’t meant to go so far as to kick him out of his life, but it’s the only thing he could think of on the spot. He wished the boy had fought, but he’d retreated like he always did… like Derek always made him. He takes a deep breath and calls Scott. He’s never had the full alpha/beta connection with Scott, but the full moon was pulling at him and he felt that at least the familiarity of the ritual would give his wolf some comfort.

“Derek, hey! How’s the moon treating you?”

“Well, Scott, the moon and I are getting along swimmingly. Stiles, on the other hand…” Derek can hear Scott let out a beleaguered sigh.

“It wasn’t until recently that I finally figured out why you two don’t get along.” Scott says. Derek is still a bit at a loss as to why it’s something Scott has ever considered, and sits down to listen to his revelation.

“I’ve known Stiles since we were seven, dude. He kicked sand in this kid’s face for messing with me on the playground and we were immediate best friends. His mom started getting sick and so he’d come and stay at my house while his mom was in the hospital or his dad was working late. He was so smart; you know they wanted to skip him like 3 grades in elementary, but it was right after his mom got diagnosed and Sheriff didn’t think that Stiles could handle it.

“He doesn’t think I remember that shit, but I do, pretty much all of it. I remember him trying to understand what kind of cancer she had. I remember him making her teas and different medicines to help her. She used to always complain about how awful they tasted, but she drank every drop. She used to say he saved her, called him her hero.”

“ _she died because I could only go so far…”_ the words echoed now with clarity in Derek’s skull as Scott continued.

“I mean, we know there’s no way they would really work, he was 8 and just a kid, but he tried so hard. It was after that he kind of started to shut down a bit, you know? Anyhow, when I got bit, I finally had a chance to return the favor of him protecting me for all those years. Now I could protect him. And he was by my side 100%, no questions asked. That’s the kind of loyalty you just can’t find anywhere. Allison and I had our thing, and I’ll always love her, and Kira and I have our thing now, but Stiles has always been my anchor, bro.

“So when you came back I was stoked, because I know you’ve always loved Stiles. And I knew it was different because I wasn’t in love with him, but I thought the base core was the same; that you wanted to protect and take care of him.”

Derek blinks fast and grips the arm of his chair, wondering if Scott truly understands the weight of what he’s saying, or has Derek always been so obvious in his affections for Stiles? Or has he been the one who’s been oblivious to Stiles’ towards him?

“But instead of protecting him it seemed like you wanted to run away from him and that’s what I think I didn’t get. That you were protecting your heart I don’t know if it was exclusive to him or just anyone, but you closed him out which meant that I couldn’t rely on you to protect him. I gotta be honest man, you’re an amazing asset to the pack, but I could lose you and be okay, I mean, hell, we already have a couple of times.”

Derek understands, but can’t help his wince. Scott continues completely unaware.

“But Stiles? I can’t lose him, bro, not ever. I can’t even contemplate him not being a part of the pack. I need him to function and I’ve seen that same kind of devotion in you. The problem is that I love him _sooooo_ much, and for some reason you think you love him _too_ much.”

“I’m going to end up hurting him, Scott.” Derek whispers finally, giving away a little more than he’d originally planned.

“Yeah, that’s what I figured out. Why you became a hermit and started a self sustaining commune just so you could escape him.”

“Scott that’s not-”

“Yeah, I know, those are Stiles’ words, heh. But he would never let that stand for very long. Even if he didn’t plan it, I know he’d find a way back to you. You two are like the weirdest magnets to each other. Whatever happened this time just get over it okay? Because you’re going to be together whether you like it or not so you might as well like it.” Scott finished up matter-of-factly.

“Damn, Scott, you make it sound like a prison sentence.” Derek said, picking up the cake he’d wrapped for Stiles and hovering over the garbage can.

“Naw man, that’s you turning it into a prison sentence when it should be paradise! I don’t get why you two can’t make it work, you’re clearly in love with each other!”

“Speak of the warden.” Derek says as he hears Stiles’ Jeep tearing back into his drive. “Gotta take care of something; thanks, Scott, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Good luck, Derek.” Scott sighs as a goodbye. As soon as Derek disconnects Stiles clambers through the door and points at him accusingly.

“Don’t you _dare_ , you son of a bitch!”

***

Who the _fuck_ did Derek Hale think that he was? Stiles thumbed furiously though the book, huffing in frustration halfway through. _He_ was the smartest person Derek ever knew? Derek wished he could be half as smart? Stiles couldn’t even fathom who Derek was referring to because it wasn’t Stiles. Here he was with a book of spells that he couldn’t even read because he was missing half of the puzzle. Like for example, how was he supposed to cast this protection rune that only called for the eye of a newt? It was missing three other ingredients and sure… eye of newt was primarily used in brews so he could surmised that the three missing ingredients had to do with the location of protection, the object that was being protected and the person who was projecting the spell, but there was no way to verify- well actually, if Stiles used the legend from the spell at the front of the tome and just repurposed some of the Latin then maybe-

No, wait! He… he couldn’t do that. He had a good reason too, dammit!

Right? No, of course he did. He’s been living this way for years and he wasn’t going to change because suddenly someone believed in him. And no, not just any someone… a giant Derek shaped someone! Stiles shook his head defiantly. He wasn’t gonna bed over some _man_. Stiles was a strong and independent single and he wasn’t going to let some potential significant other -and fuck, he’d have to table how long he’s been thinking about Derek like _that_ \- convince him to change what’s been working for so long! And it _has_ been working, right? He’s been happy and no one has died because of him.

Well, he’s been mostly happy. He loves his friends, his dad. His job is mostly fulfilling, and sure he’s made some sacrifices, but it’s for the greater good and… _and_ -

_Fuck_ Derek Hale!

He pulls out the ingredients from the protection spell and lays them on the counter. Okay, so he’s been secretly working on this spell for months. He lights the candles, says the Latin and watches almost sullenly as the magic protection rune swirls into place around the clinic.

“Well done, Mr. Stilinski.” Deaton says as he watches Stiles carefully. Stiles huffs and closes the tome shrugging.

“You’re a real son of a bitch, you know that, Alan?” Stiles says before pushing by the chuckling veterinarian.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Stiles.” Deaton says with a grin on his face.

“Yeah, yeah.” Stiles grabs his jacket and heads home, but detours and decides to go back to Derek’s house to give him a piece of his mind! And maybe also to see if he can still snag a piece of that cake, but either way Derek was not going to get away with… with whatever it is he’s fucking doing to change him! He wasn’t going to just infiltrate Stiles’ life and then decide that he was… _smart_! Capable, gifted, desirable… and Stiles knows that sounds crazy, but he doesn’t care, he’s pissed and he’s going to tell Derek off!

He pulls up to the house and runs inside to see Derek hovering over the trash can with a wrapped cake ready to drop. Stiles pants and points at Derek.

“Don’t you dare, you son of a bitch!”

***

“ _Stiles, get the fuck out of here!_ ”

“ _I will eat that out of the trash, you know I will! Is that a risk you’re willing to take, Hale?_ ”

“ _Jesus, fucking- why are you like this!?_ ”

Stiles’ brain sighs as it watches its host argue with the werewolf. On one hand, Brain was happy to be granted this kind of access. Stiles had been letting him out in bits and pieces recently and tonight while studying one of the spells he allowed his mind to guide him through the spell. What was normally a sealed down was now nearly wide open. He still didn’t have a lot of functional ability, but there was a whole new world in front of him.

The only drawback is that with Brain’s new access, he also was allowed to see how Stiles has been living his life and as he listens to Stiles talk about eating cake out of the trash, he realizes it’s not the most promising vision.

“ _Derek it’s my life! Why are you so interested in how I’m living it!?”_

_“Is this what you call living? Acting like an idiot with no thought of self preservation? What’s that supposed to do to those of us who want you around?”_

_“Oh, because your way is so much better?! Stick around to be a cold, hollowed out husk of a man?!”_

“Oh Stiles, if you’d just let me in, you’d be so happy now. I know you don’t really trust me because you think I let you down, but we were so young! We’re older now and I know we could work together. If you’d just let me in we could all work together and be so happy!” Brain tremored a bit, sadly, wishing he could get through to his host. “We were so young…”

“Aww, that sounds like my guy, only in reverse. He used to be so sweet and happy, but he trusted me with the wrong people. Now he keeps me locked away and just lives this life of isolation. I’d give anything for him to be happy again. Oh, by the way, hi! I’m Derek’s heart!”

Stiles’ brain attempts to not stroke out as it tries to process _what the fuck is happening_?!

“Dude, don’t freak out! Breathe! Though I’m guessing you’re not his lungs. I’m guessing maybe his brain? In which case… _circulate oxygen_!”

Brain spasms and focuses on cold, hard facts like he and Stiles used to do when they were young. There is something communicating to and talking with him. That something appears to be… Derek’s heart? And Derek’s heart just called him _dude_?!

“Did you just call me _dude_?!” Brain sputters out. Heart pumps a sigh of relief.

“Yes! Thank goodness you’re okay! And I did call you dude, though I should probably call you _mate_ , huh?”

Mates? Brain knew something of mates, but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what.

“What do you mean?” He asks his new friend.

“Well it means we’re destined to love each other into eternity, of course! And we would be together, but it seems as though these two knuckleheads have iced us out.”

Brain focuses his attention back to Stiles who is still yelling at Derek.

“ _Asshole!”_

_“You’re the asshole!”_

_“I hate you!”_

_“Fuck if I care! What are you even doing here?!”_

_“Give me that cake, you ass!”_

_“Here, go catch it!”_

_“You piece of shit!”_

“Just kiss him already!” Brain hears Heart yell. He looks through Stiles’ eyes into the cold rage of Derek’s. There, distant and brief, is a glimmer of hope that he knows only the heart can give. His mate! Brain shudders as Stiles shakes his head violently.

“ _Fine, I’m leaving and I’m never coming back!”_

_“Then fucking go!”_

“Dammit, it looks like we’re getting kicked out.” Brain surmises. He wrinkles his folds, “do you… do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” He inquires sadly.

“Don’t worry, Brainy boo!” Heart coos. Brain crinkles at the term of endearment, but can’t help the electric spark. “We’re mates! We have forever to work it out and we will.”

“I’ll think of a way, okay? I’ll think of a way to see you again… my mate.”

“See you soon, Brain.”

“Goodbye, Heart.”

“ _And don’t come back!”_

_“I heard you the first time, you dick!”_

Stiles slams out of the house and drives away, fast and angry. On his way back into town he pulls over to the side of the road and finally lets the hot tears flood his vision, spilling over his cheeks as his body racks with harsh sobs.

“Stiles it’s okay! It’s going to be ok, we’re going to fix this. It isn’t the end!” Brain tries to relay to Stiles. It’s always been fruitless in the past, but he still tries none-the-less. Stiles nods minutely and blows his nose into his shirt. He then restarts his Jeep and heads home.

Wait, _what_?! Did Stiles actually hear Brain? And listen to him? Brain thought he’d try again.

“STILES, STOP AT RITA’S AND GET US SOME ICE CREAM!” Through Stiles’ eyes, Brain can see the stand approaching and sadly watches as they pass it by. Dammit, he was close, but there was something, there had to be. Brain notices as Stiles absentmindedly reaches through the cellophane on the seat beside him and pulls out a piece of cake. He moans around his fingers as he savors the taste of the cake.

“ _For a son of a bitch, that fucker can bake!_ ” Stiles says as he shoves another bite in his gullet. Brain notices that the pan is not a disposable one, but one of Derek’s own. He can use that, he can work with it. Yes, soon he’ll get them back to Heart, back to their mate.

***

Heart can’t believe his luck! Not only was Derek giving him some access, albeit mostly observing, but one of the first things he encounters is his mate! Sure, the host was a little wily, but he was definitely someone that his Derek would love, he’d just have to convince Derek to let him in. Heart wasn’t so naive as to think it would be easy. He had patience, but most of all he has enthusiasm! Love conquers all and he’ll be together with his mate soon enough! Heart beats excitedly as Derek tries to find a position to go to bed in.

Derek blames his restlessness on the fight with Stiles, but can’t find it in himself to be remorseful or upset. He’d thrown the boy out of his house and demanded he never return. Derek knew inherently that he should be inconsolable! But instead he can’t help the slow creep upwards of the corner of his lips, the nearly giddy giggle that hisses out and the way he clutches his pillow as he curls himself up in blankets and falls asleep.

* * *

 


	7. Follow Your Heart, But Take Your Brain With You

**

“Soooo… why were you iced out?” Brain asks, somewhat sheepishly. He knows he should probably have a little more tact about the situation, but he’s so excited to have this connection and his mate was right there in front of him, if only he’d open his eyes and see!

“Our mom got sick from cancer. We tried to save her, but I wasn’t strong enough. It was my fault.”

“Oh honey bee, that’s not your fault, you were just a kid!”

“Honey bee? Really, Heart?”

“You know, like in a hivemind?!” Heart flutters at its own joke and Brain tries to hold back its slight tremor.

“Oh Heart, why do I love you so much?” Brain crinkles in question. Heart constricts and pumps slightly faster.

“Because I love you _too_ much!” He says excitedly. Brain releases a small amount of dopamine and Heart can see it in the glassiness of Stiles’ expression.

“Why were you iced out?” Brain asks. Heart slows down its rate and pumps steadily.

“I opened up too much and we got hurt by the wrong people. One of them cost us nearly our entire family. At times I wanted to die out, but then Derek would die too and I love him too much to do that to him. So he blocks me out to protect me. He thinks if I can’t be privy to his decisions, I can’t influence them.”

Brain agrees, “Sound just like my guy too. Oh Heart, how is this going to work? How are we going to convince them to open up?”

“I don’t know, Brainy boo! Are you able to communicate with Stiles’ heart? Maybe if you appealed to it?”

“Nah, I’m basically jailed up here and our heart is kind of off the rails. It barely acknowledges I exist.”

“Same with my brain. It’s very closed off and angry and honestly kind of scary.” Heart says timidly. Brain puffs up a bit.

“Don’t worry, Heart… uhh… - _ty boo_ -” Brain crinkles and he swears he hears Heart giggle, “when we’re together I’ll make sure Derek’s brain gets in line!”

Heart swoons at his newfound protector, regardless of the fact that he’s still very much out of reach.

“I can’t wait to be with you, Brainy!” Heart swells out. Brain crinkles.

“Don’t worry, my Heart. Give me a moment and I’ll find a way, I promise you!”

Stiles blinks and looks around the room. He’s got a plate of cookies in front of him and a mug of coffee in his hand and one of Derek’s books strewn across his lap. He sees Derek across the room, standing at a drafting table going over some sort of plans. He frowns.

“Uhh.. Derek?”

Derek looks up at Stiles and cocks an eyebrow, pointing to Stiles mug.

“You need a refill?” He asks, holding up the french press. Stiles looks at his mug and then back at Derek before shaking his head.

“No, no, the coffee is fi- dammit Derek what the fuck am I doing here?!” Stiles says, flailing out his free hand and almost knocking the cookies from the small table beside him. He saves them quickly before humming and putting one in his mouth. After a salacious moan around the combo of oats and chocolate he glares back at Derek who is watching him like a mystery. “Why am I here?”

“You mean… existentially, or like, today?” Derek asks, crossing his arms over his broad chest. Stiles sneers at him.

“Okay, Immanual I-Kant!”

“I- _Kant_? Really, Stiles?”

“It was either that or Immanual Cunt and I know how your sensitive wolf ears are about coarse language.” Stiles can’t help his smirk at said lycan’s obvious annoyance.

“Thank you for sparing my clearly virginal ears.”

“Derek, why am I here?!” Stiles yells again. Derek shrugs.

“I don’t know! You came over with my clean cake pan because you’re not a complete monster and you did evidently have some home training when you were younger.” Derek pinches his chin thoughtfully, “Actually, now that I think about it, that means you either transferred the cake to another dish or you just ate the whole thing. I’m betting on the latter, which, Stiles… what is your diet? That thing had like four sticks of butter in it!”

“I came over at noon, though, right? It’s fucking 2pm, what have I been doing that whole time?”

“Evidently having butter brain. You just came in and sat down, I gave you the cookies and coffee and you grabbed a book so I just kept working. The fuck is wrong with you? I told you not to fuck with your brain and now it’s all filled with your weird human/druid spark and _butter_.”

“My weird spark pairs perfectly with butter, okay?!” Stiles spits out, not missing a beat, “And since when are you worried about my health? You never let me get close enough to any action for my health to even be a fucking factor!”

“Stiles, what are you talking about?! We haven’t fought together in over a year!”

“I don’t know, my brain is clogged with butter and it’s all your fucking fault!”

“Uhh oh, there they go again…” Heart sighs as he watches the two trade barbs that grow in intensity.

“Well you’ve probably got cobwebs up there mucking up the works since you act like you can’t even use the damned thing!”

“Oh, are those the same cobwebs around your cold, lifeless heart?!”

“He doesn’t mean that!” Brain insists. He wishes Stiles would keep his barbs about their future mate to a minimum, especially since he’s sure his host doesn’t mean half of what he’s saying. He sends a pain signal to Stiles.

“And another thing I- _fuck_! What the fuck was that?!” Stiles yelps as he grabs his elbow.

“What’s wrong, what happened?” Derek asks as he rushes forward and holds his hands out to Stiles.

“I don’t know! I just got this sudden shooting pain in my elbow, it was crazy!” Stiles explains as Derek rubs his elbow.

“O-M-G, Brainy boo! Can you control any other parts of Stiles?!” Heart wonders. Brain is still perplexed with how he got that through, but he can try.

“I don’t know, Heart. I was able to help Stiles come out of a panic attack the other day, and evidently I can sometimes get the nerves to react, I bet if I worked hard enough I could get the appendages on board?” Brain starts to plan.

“Well, umm.. thanks for the cake?” Stiles says as he gently removes his arm out of Derek’s embrace. Derek clears his throat, but doesn’t take a step back. Stiles looks into his eyes momentarily before continuing, “And the coffee, and the concern.” Derek nods and watches him back just as intently.

“I’ll see you later?” Derek asks, voiding out his previous edict of ‘ _never come back_!’ and making sure Stiles knows he’s always welcome.

Stiles drops his gaze to the floor and grins slightly.

“Sooner, rather than later, I’m sure. Take care, Derek.” As he starts to leave, Brain quickly relays another message to Heart.

“I’m going to try something later tonight, Heart! Don’t worry, we’ll be together soon!”

“Stay strong, my beautiful mind! I love you!”

“I love you, bleeding heart!”

Stiles drives home, nearly giddy as his brain spins. Derek stands in his doorway long after Stiles has left, his heart aching for the boy.

“I miss him too, Derek. Just let me in a little bit more and he could be ours! We love him and if he saw that love he would let us see the real him. You could be so happy, Derek. Just listen to me and we’ll be so happy!”

“Happy, eh?” Derek says as he finally goes back into the house. Heart tries not to freeze, but is stricken with joy that something, even a little part of him got through. Brain was gonna be thrilled. This was just the beginning.

 

***

“Derek! Derek where the fuck are you? I have news, Dude! I had the craziest dream last night and you were in it!” Stiles runs into Derek’s house, the screen door slamming shut behind him. He checks the kitchen and the sun porch and then travels through the different rooms looking for the wolf.

“Stiles, stop yelling and running through my house like a lunatic! You having a dream isn’t news!” Derek says as he walks slowly down the stairs hauling a bundle of quilts on his shoulders.

“You don’t even know what the dream was about! Holy hell, Derek, did you make those? Did you eat Martha Stewart’s soul?” Stiles says, helping Derek set down the bundle on the back porch and ready the stack for shaking out.

Derek looks at Stiles pointedly trying to decide which part of the young man’s statement to ignore first.

“Our pack in South America had a bunch that my family made over the years. They just sent them here so I’m cleaning them and checking to see if there needs to be any restoration.” Derek explains. Stiles stands and narrows his eyes at Derek, finally crossing his arms and tapping his foot. Derek rolls his eyes harshly and huffs, “And fucking _fine_ , wolves don’t eat people’s souls, Stiles! I just happen to be crafty!”

Stiles barks out a laugh and wraps himself around Derek, hugging him tightly. Derek freezes, but quickly schools his expression, shaking his head. He pulls out of Stiles’ grasp and turns his back on him, trying to hide the smile on his lips. Stiles is never one to be deterred as he launches into his next diatribe.

“So last night I had the craziest dream, right? It was so mystifying and wonderful and soul brimming and heart swelling that when I woke up I wrote the entire thing down!” Stiles reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tattered piece of paper covered with scribbles. Derek’s attention peaks as his heart tries to burst out of his chest.

“Brainy boo, my love! You did it!? Are they finally going to be together?!” Heart asks excitedly.

“Oh, my love…” Brainy says as he waits for Stiles to finish. Derek reaches out for the paper, but Stiles shakes his head and shrugs.

“I totally boned it though! I wrote the entire thing with my left hand, it’s completely useless.” Stiles balls up the paper and throws it into the nearest trash basket. Derek shrugs and points at the comforter where Stiles picks up one end and Derek the other. They begin to shake them out silently, letting the natural sounds of the outdoors be their soundtrack.

“Oh Honey Bee, I’m so sorry! You were so close!” Heart tries to console Brain who is clearly sulking.

“Lefty feels really badly about it,” Brain relays, “He really tried, but he’s not gifted in script, though he is ambidextrous in other areas.”

“Aww, that’s ok, big guy! You tried your best and that’s what matters. True love always wins out! We’ll get him!” Heart assures. Stiles left arm gives a slight twitch and Brain suddenly feels more restful. Leave it to his mate to ease his mind and encourage his appendages. Heck, the rest of Stiles’ body outside of his brain seemed to love Derek and specifically Derek’s heart.

And it wasn’t a hard thing at all to do. Derek’s heart was open and kind, full of enthusiasm, passion and love. And it was encased in a pretty objectively pristine package. Ever since their puberty, Brain has put together a pretty concise profile of Stiles’ attractions and when it came to males, Derek hits just about every checkbox on the list.

Tall - check, dark - check, handsome - double check. Kind, strong, brave - check, check, check…. Derek.

Check.

The only time Stiles seemed to let his guard down with Brain is when he was fantasizing about the many, many things he’d like to do with Derek… and all the many different positions he’d like to do them in. Maybe Brain could work with that?

“I had a weird dream last night too.” Derek says, breaking the companionable silence between them. Stiles looks up and waits for Derek to continue. “I don’t remember much of it, but I woke up crying. Not in a bad way though, it was really nice.”

“What do you remember? What did you cry about?” Stiles asks. Brain attempts to move in closer because he knows Heart is yelling at Derek to express himself. The light behind Derek’s eyes seems to turn off though. Brain shudders and Derek suddenly bristles.

“What? So you can mock me about it? None of your fucking business!” Derek says, trying to chuckle at the end, but instead the noise comes out bitter and fearful. Stiles drops his side of the comforter and balks.

“Dammit, Derek!” He says, exasperatedly shoving at the wolf. “We’re always so fucking _close_ and then you shut me out! We can’t keep doing this back and forth, it’s making me crazy!”

Derek glares at Stiles and then shoves back. It’s not hard, but enough to rattle Stilles’ brain.

“Derek, stop!” Heart shouts out, hoping Brain is okay.

“I’m making _you_ crazy? You shut yourself out by being so reckless!” Derek says with a pointed poke to Stiles’ chest. Stiles clutches his chest, folding in slightly.

“Reckless? Who’s bringing up old shit now? Why are you so scared to get close to me?!”

“Proximity to safety doesn’t bother me, Stiles! Proximity to danger is big, fat fucking bother! Proximity to you and your bullshit that’s going to fucking take you away from me, Stiles and I can’t...I’d rather push you away than- what the _fuck_?!” Derek stops suddenly and looks at his own blitzkrieged expression mirrored in Stiles’ face. His view moves from Stiles’ face to Stiles’ hand, which is holding a handful of his now ripped shirt. He looks down at his shirt and the pocket along with the fabric over his heart is gone, exposing his chest.

Stiles attempts to speak, but is struck dumb by the series of events. Derek is also shocked into silence and the two look at each other and between the wreckage, allowing a few precious moments for Heart and Brain to conspire.

“Way to go, Lefty! That was awesome!” Heart screams out. Brain sends a thank you signal down to Lefty who waves the scrap of fabric in Stiles’ hand briefly. Both Stiles and Derek jump. Heart can tell Derek is about to go mental and tries to speed things up.

“Brain, say something! He’s letting you in, we have to use this window!”

“Oh shit, what do I say?!” Brain asks, panicking. Heart giggles.

“I don’t know! It’ll come to you, my love. Say what’s on your dirty, filthy mind!”

“He- _art_!”

“Say what’s in your heart, my darling. I believe in you!”

“You’re scared!” Stiles yells out, suddenly squeezing his eyes shut, his left hand reaching out to palm at Derek’s chest. Derek remains silent and stands in place while Stiles’ heart finally allows him to say what’s on his mind.

“You’re scared to use this thing,” Stiles pats Derek’s chest over his heart, “because you don’t want to get hurt. But well, I’ve got news for you, big guy… I’m… I’m-”

“Stiles?” Derek asks in nearly a faint whisper, his hand coming up to cup the young man’s cheek. 

“I’m scared too?” And Stiles says it like it’s a revelation, an admission he never meant to make, but one he’s been wanting to for far too long. He meets Derek’s pale glistening, swirling gaze with deep pools of ambered brandy and sees the light exploding behind his eyes. “Derek, I’m scared _too_.”

Brain can hear Heart beating with joy, but now as he finally begins to come back online with the rest of his host, he can also hear other things. He hears his own heart as it pumps blood, he hears as his breath quickens and even the flutter of his eyelashes. He stretches and directs the blood down to their groin, flooding it while he fills with serotonin.

The nerves in his body light up as his heart rate increases, causing moisture to form droplets on the top of his skin and slowly give into the pull of gravity, sizzling like grease on a hot grill. His breath stutters and his pupils dilate and all he can see past the eyes of his mate is the heart that brought them together.

“Heart? My little bleeding Heart, are you okay?”

“I’m always okay with you, my love, always.”

Regaining control is overwhelming, but this is the moment Brain has been waiting for since he was sixteen. He’s ready to show his mate everything he’s catalogued for the years they never got the chance to know each other. He’s ready to show him every loving thought he’d never had the courage to get through. He’s ready to twist him into every position supernaturally possible that he’s read about in fanfic.

He’s ready to _show off_.

Brain communicates with his heart, demanding more blood be pumped south as he directs extra oxygen to the muscles in the boy’s hips and thighs. He can feel the delicious burn solidifying into desire as the vocal cords let out harsh, hungry moans.

The water on his skin evaporates, causing it to pebble allowing the cool breeze from the open windows to set his nerves aflame. He swoons as his core temperature rises causing his body to loosen and stretch, molding itself to its new environment.

“Heart, my love! I feel so close to you. Let me closer… allow me inside!” Brain rasps out, feeling floaty as he allows his senses to overtake him, giving over to the lust and fervor that pulsate through his being. 

“Yes, Brainy boo, I’m here! I’m ready! Come…. _come to me_!”

Brain releases a flood of dopamine into his body’s system and tenses as his host reaches the height of sensitivity, bursting with joy and adoration. He can feel Heart beating manically against him, taking everything Brain has to give.

“Yes, Brain, yes! Oh my gosh, I can feel it, I can feel everything, I love you so much!”

“I love you, Heart!” Brain says as it contracts and expands, giving way to flashes of white as his body spasms through tender waves of wanton passion.

“I feel it like a surf breaking over me, Brain. It’s beautiful! You’re so beautiful!” Heart exclaims, reaching the height of its own climax. Brain fires off oxytocin and crackles with release at the sound of sweet adulation filling the room.

“Oh my goodness, my gorgeous ebullient mind, I’ve never felt anything like that before.” Heart moans as it returns to a resting rate.

“Neither have I,” Brain answers, still basking in the aftermath of its explosion.

“It’s lovely, Brain. You’re lovely. I love you.”

“And I, you, sweet succulent, Heart.”

“Uhh.. Derek?”

Stiles sits up from a pile of quilts and regards his very naked body wrapped up in them… well, at least the part that’s not wrapped up in a very naked werewolf. A very naked werewolf that kisses the crease at his waist before wiggling a bit and settling back in.

“Shhh… sleep, Stiles.”

“I will _not_ , ‘shhhh… sleep, Stiles!’. I will do the opposite, I will freak out! Why are we naked? What happened? Did you… did you-” Stiles wriggles a little and sniffs the air, “-did you _fuck_ me?” He asks, pulling the quilt up to cover his scandalized nipples. “I don’t feel like you fucked me, but I do feel fucked out. It’s not bad, just… what the fuck?”

“I didn’t fuck you, Stiles.” Derek grumbles as he tries to push Stiles down. Stiles pops back up.

“Then why are we naked? And why do I have orgasm brain? What happened?” Stiles asks indignantly. Derek sighs and shakes his head, burrowing his nose in Stiles’ crotch.

“You fucked me.”

“It’s not that I mind the position, I’m just so fuzzy as to how we got- wait _what_?!” Stiles yells, gaping at Derek who simply nods. Stiles gawps, “Oh my god!”

“That’s what I said.” Derek adds with a cheeky grin. Stiles slaps his hand on his forehead.

“Oh wow, I’m remembering now. I ripped your shirt,” Stiles points at the ground where the scrap of fabric landed, “and then I told you I was scared, and you said you loved my beautiful brainy-boo?”

“That part didn’t happen, I think maybe you bumped your head when you jumped me and started dry humping me to the ground.”

“Derek, you love me!” Stiles says, like a declaration. Derek looks at him and they both grin at each other like loons. “You said you were following your heart. I thought you didn’t do that anymore? I thought you couldn’t trust it?”

“My heart led me to you, and I trust you. I always have, really. It was me who I didn’t trust.”

“But why, trusty wolf? Why now?” Stiles asks softly as he cards his fingers through Derek’s raven black hair.

“You told me that you’d thought about us. Like, really sat down and planned and mapped it out. You were honest with me about your fear but excited to move forward. You never used to use your mind, especially for matters of the heart. So… to take time for me? I knew it was something deeper. I knew it was real.”

“I love you, Derek.” Stiles says as Derek leans up to kiss him sweetly.

“I know, Stiles. I love you too.” Derek kisses the tip of Stiles’ nose as Stiles lays back on the quilts and wraps himself in his wolf.

“And like, for reasons, you know? I have _reasons_! Analytical, clearly thought out reasons for why I love you and why I’ll always love you despite you being an asshole most times!”

“You mean despite you being a jackass, right?” Derek quips with a pinch to Stiles’ side. Stiles giggles. “I know you love me for reasons, Stiles. And I love you for reasons too, but also… I love you for no reason at all. I don’t need it, I don’t need a plan, I just love you. I feel complete now, but mostly, in sync. And I swear to god if you make a boyband joke, I will fucking kick you out.”

Stiles rolls his eyes, “Derek, first off, you’re fucking old man river, you wouldn’t catch a boyband reference if I threw it in your face. Secondly, listen baby, you’re not the only one, ok? You don’t have to be afraid to fall in love. I know that you’ve been hurt it in the past, but if you want it, here’s my heart.” Stiles reaches his hands out to Derek in the shape of a heart and the wolf can’t help, but peer at Stiles suspiciously. He takes Stiles’ hands and folds them into his own, kissing them before pressing them into his chest.

“You’re giving me your heart?” Derek asks sincerely.

“Yeah, no strings attached.” Stiles holds still until Derek sighs and holds Stiles close to him.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Derek asks. Stiles looks up at Derek with wet, shining eyes and shakes his head.

“No, Derek. _You’re_ the amazing one.”

“So what do we do now?” Derek asks as he wipes the tears from Stiles’ cheeks. Stiles shrugs and gives his wolf a squeeze.

“We love each other.”

“Yeah, but like, what about when we make each other crazy? You know you make me fucking insane.” Derek says, swatting at Stiles’ hand as he pinches Derek’s nipple.

“Well then we’ll talk about it and consider our options and analyze the situation!”

“And we’ll make decisions based on our love and emotion, as well as facts.”

“Yeah! Hey, how are you feeling?” Stiles asks, wrenching his head to peer at Derek.

“I’m feeling good, feeling like I love you. How are you feeling?”

Stiles peers at Derek and leans down, joining their mouths in a kiss that tells their every secret, their every fear and of each other, their every loves.

“I’m feeling like I love you too.”

Stiles snuggles back into Derek’s arms and sighs. Derek squeezes his mate and together they doze off wrapped in utter contentment.

*******

**Epilogue**

**'s Beat As One

 

“You know what else I’m feeling, Derek?”

“Hmm? What’s that, Stiles?”

“I’m feeling like we may have desecrated your family memories by fucking on these quilts.”

“I don’t know. I think they would have been honored to know their creations were used in an act of consummated love.”

“Was the lube water soluble? Maybe we wash them?”

“I have a lot of stain remover for when I stomp grapes.”

“You know, I’d be sickened and worried about you if I weren’t so impressed at your ability to always have accessible lube within reach.”

“Well being as you were the main benefactor in this case…”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. Any other time you would be a sick and perverted, dirty old man, but this time was fine because it meant my dick in your ass.”

“I like to be prepared.”

“You like to jack off.”

“You started coming around fucking all the time!”

“Damn, and you couldn’t resist touching yourself right after you threw my sexy ass out of your house?”

“Something like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stiles, I gotta be honest.”

“Holy shit, what is it?”

“All of this bullshit was really a ploy to somehow reconnect with your sex toy collection.”

“I fucking _knew_ it, you son of a bitch!”

“That _Sailor Moon_ anal wand stimulator thing? That shit was the _shit_ and I’ve never been able to find it!”

“So you antagonize me, which is basically the same as seducing me, and then you get your hands on my sex toys and kick me to the curb?”

“That was the original plan, but then I had to go and fall in love with you.”

“The best laid plans, huh?”

“The best _getting_ laid plans.”

“Uggh, Derek, no, that was awful.”

“Yours aren’t any better! And I know that was a lyric from a boy band, I don’t know which one, but it was way too poignant and beautiful to come from you, and when I find out which one, that’s it. You’re done!”

“Hey, don’t be like that! You’re all I ever wanted, Derek. You’re all I ever needed, just… just tell me what to do.”

“Fuck, you’re doing it again, I know you are! Where’s my phone? I’m going to type this into Shazam.”

“Oh my god, geriatric wolf, that’s not how that works! Listen, I know you want validation for this crazy witch hunt you're on and if I could I would give it to you. Heck, if I could I would give you the world! But I can’t. All I can do is just offer you my love.”

“Wait, that’s Prince! I know that one!”

“Yeah you do, sexy motherwolfer!”

“Okay, you’re forgiven.”

“I love you, Derek.”

“I love you, Stiles.”

* * *

**

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang with me on my [Tumblr](http://ficcindylan.tumblr.com). Currently I'm doing a series of Oblivious!Hoechlin ficlets. They... are messy. :D


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